Can Vampires Get Drunk?
by SpunkInaMusca
Summary: Em and Jazz are about to find out. Eternity is starting to look a lot more attractive through the rosy glow of alcohol, so get ready for insanity, jazz hands, Rocky Balboa and our two favourite vamps. A look at Twilight while ridiculously hung-over.
1. Chapter 1

_The question on all Twilight fan's lips: can vampires actually get drunk? Welcome Emmett Cullen and Jasper Hale onto the scene. Don't look now, but are they... jazz hands?? _

_Agus... Madra rua... tá geansaí orm, tá scamaill sá spéir... Tabhair dom on caca milis! Ciúnas bothar cailín bainne, o sea... Ina musca!_

_**Can Vampires Get Drunk?**_

**Emmett (Otherwise known as Em)**

'Uh, Jazz?' I asked, as he waltzed down the stairs, carrying what looked suspiciously like a bottle of vodka in his left hand.

'Hmm?' Jazz mumbled in response. I stared at him, slightly taken aback. My man Jazz, _mumbling_? The dude spent most of his depressingly long life moaning on and on to anyone who would listen that the most annoying thing about humans was the mumbling until Alice could predict when he was gonna start and we'd all go and 'hunt'. But then the freak controlled our minds by laying some freaky mojo on us that made us willing to listen to him. That's my man Jazz.

'Yeah, um, dude, what up with the vodka?' even as I asked this he took a huge swig. I swiped at the bottle, and he fell back out of the way.

'Jazz, dude, come off it! You planning on spending the next three days coughing your guts up?'

'Nope. I-I is going to siiiing.' He slurred, waving the bottle in what could be an alarming manner if he wasn't a vampire and there was no chance he'd drop it. But in this state, there was every chance he would, and Esme would be mad if she had to clean the damn house again. She may be a stand-in mom, but, man, that chick can punch hard. Note to self: Never try having breakfast in bed again.

'Em, Em, dude, come on, just…. Tryyyy it, please? It's fun!' he insisted.

Jazz, drunk.

That son of a bitch is just lucky Alice isn't here. Man, she'd lose it. I actually suppressed a shudder. She may be sweetness and light compared to Rose and Ed, but, Jesus, when she's angry… She'd never hurt him, though. Even I, one of the less talented Cullens can predict _that._

Jazz was dancing around the stairs now, muttering the words of a song that Edward would have killed him over if he'd heard him

'…And all that _JAZZ_… hehehehe… my name's in the song… JAZZ HANDS!' he yelled, and began dancing around the room, moving so fast I almost didn't have time to swipe the bottle out of his flailing 'jazz' hand.

'Can vampires actually get drunk?' I said, tossing the bottle from hand to hand, examining the label.

'Dunno….' Jazz shrugged, slurring the word round his mouth.

I laughed, the laugh that Rose found so… so appealing, I guess. She sighs every time I laugh, in what I guess is her version of the giggling, hair-flicking thing that girls in school do. Jeez, they're all so damn innocent. And they only ever hair-flicked for Ed. I'm too big, and Jazz is too intimidating, I guess. Still, least it means Rose won't take a vendetta out on anyone. God bless the unlucky sons-of-bitches that crossed her last time.

I went to take a swig, then stopped.

'Where's Ed? Shouldn't he be here putting a downer on our already-pitiful lives?'

'Mmmm. Running, hunting, I dunno.' Jazz replied.

I lifted the bottle and took a huge swig, coughing as the disgusting, repulsive liquid flowed down the inside of my throat.

***

'Jazz…?' I asked ten minutes later, feeling giddy.

'Em, my man?' he slurred.

'Why did it take you so long to find out alcohol did this to us?' I demanded, roaring with laughter. If Carlisle could see us now… I laughed harder.

' RISIN UP, BACK ON THE STREET! DID MY TIME, TOOK MY CHANCES!' Jazz started to sing - if one could even go so far as to call it singing - as Eye of the Tiger blared from Ed's speakers. The guy has weird tastes, it has to be said. I joined in the chorus, jumping around the room as best as my fogged-up brain could allow me to. Two gulps of vodka and I was a goner. No wonder humans drink so much.

' IT'S THEEEE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THEME OF THE FIGHT, RISIN' UUUUP! TO THE CHALLLLLENGE OF OUR RIIIVALS!' Jazz started into a drunken dance routine, jumping off the banisters on the stairs, causing little cracks to appear up and down the walls.

'HEY EMMMEEETTTT!' Jazz sang.

'WHAT UP, JAZZ??' I yelled back.

'WANNA GO TO A KARAOKE BAR?'

I laughed again 'WHY NOT? MORE VODKA?' I asked.

'SURE, DUDE, WHATEVER! HAHAHA, TAKE THAT, ED, FOR WEIRDO MOOD SWINGS!' Jazz leaped away up the stairs, the walls shaking as he bounded back down seconds later wearing one of Alice's stripy scarves and Ed's trademark sunglasses. It looked pretty damn good on the boy.

'I'm REAAADYYY!' He announced, sweeping into a bow.

'Lets get this goddamn show on the ROOOAAAD!' I slurred, already out the door. SING-A-LONG, here we come!

'Hey Jazz, can we hit a strip club on the way back?' I asked.

'I don't care. But it's _YOUR_ fuuuuuneral if Rosalie finds out!' he warned.

***

_**Because Wraithlike can can can:  
Courtesy of Courtz, FYI! 'Tis hilarious, true? Give it up for Courtney, folks, and review!**_**  
**


	2. Chapter 2

_Jasper is actually deep. Somehow he and Em get along well. Unfortunately, Jazz is a rather depressed drunk. So while Emmett is gyrating to popular seventies disco anthems, Jasper seeks solace in the bottom of his glass ..._

_A shout-out to all the Twilight fan-girls and anyone who was at the Irish premier. WE LED THE CHEERS!! WHOOP!  
_

_**Can Vampires Get Drunk?**_

**Jasper (Otherwise known as Jazz, or Jasper "Jazz-hands" Hale)  
**

One of the many great things about my brother Emmett is the fact that three never existed a creature that lived more for the moment than this simple monkey-man.

When I swayed down the staircase, half-way to insanity, clutching my poison, it didn't take more than twenty words to convince him to join me.

But for my part, the whole thing began a long time ago, in a different world. A different time.

You know what's great? Dancing.

I met the first love of my life at the school social when I was seventeen. Her name was Margaret; she was red-headed and divine. Three years later, she was married to my former English teacher, and I was pushing immortality with some dead chicks.

Sometimes that makes me want to cry. Then I try, and I can't. I can't cry.

Tears are weak. I was always taught such, and I was never to be weak. I was to be tough. A man. Tears were womanish, and I was no woman. I was a soldier. That was what I was born to be.

But what sort of a man can't cry?

Do you know how sad that is? _Do _you? Maybe you think you do.

Maybe you really do.

Maybe you're crying too, Emmett. Maybe there was someone for you before there was Rose. But when a man can't even manage to cry real tears for the love of his life … you asked me why I took the vodka. I didn't tell you, then.

Well, I'm telling you now, Emmett. And I want to confess … I can't take it any more. God help me, if you're there. God save me. I don't know if I even have a soul, but if I ever did have one, then it's falling apart now.

I'm drowning in a sea, here, Em. I can't go back. I can't move on … this is limbo, Em.

This is hell.

oOo

'TOTAL EEEECLIPSE OF THE HEAAAAAAAAAART … yeah.'

Two verses in and the entire club was in love with me. I knew it. Hey, I could _feel _it. That's how I roll.

Em was swaying in the front row of the karaoke bar, a grin stretching across his face, and he was giggling in a manner that was not far off grizzling. One bottle in, and he was under. Lightweight.

Suddenly, the club's joy dissolved, and I felt old. I felt far too sober to be singing in a karaoke bar with my hardly adult vampire brother, and it sickened me. I chugged some more of the human poison they call vodka, and felt calmer, but slightly blurry. I felt warm, as warm as I had as a human. I wondered briefly if this was a side-effect of my rational embarrassment at finding myself on a stage in front of a lot of drunken humans and apparently missing my shirt. I chugged another gulp, and promptly forgot.

I stumbled off the stage, wondering why I didn't feel as happy as Emmett obviously did, as he bounded onstage in my stead, and began belting a stirring rendition of YMCA. I grinned anyway, as a hoard of rabid fan-girls clamoured around me. But something was off.

Was I corrupting Emmett?

No, Jasper. Don't be silly. That boy's just about as corrupted as a Catholic school-girl with internet access.

But he seemed young, to my eyes … was I projecting? Was I using Emmett as a canvas to represent my own feelings of anger towards the world that had robbed me of my youth and life in one fell swoop? Did Emmett just suddenly remind me of a younger self, laughing idiotically, and grinning, unaware that the coming millennia could bring nothing other than pain, pain, doubt and a longing for death?

Was I psychoanalyzing myself?

I didn't want to know.

I ripped the cap off the next bottle of spirits. I had finally found an escape. And I wasn't about to start doubting it.

oOo

Alice could see right through me. I knew she would be able to … she always has been.

I love Alice. I love her with whatever heart I have left. She is everything to me; the sun my errant moon orbits. She is everything I'm not, and she loved me too.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Neither did she.

'Jasper,' she whispered to me, as we sat together on the roof a year ago. She likes it up there. She says she can sometimes remember what it feels like to be warm in the direct sunlight. She's beautiful, the sunlight shimmering on her diamond skin, and glinting in her dark hair.

I didn't look at her. She's beautiful, inside and out. I'm dark and empty.

'Jasper?'

If Alice could cry, I knew she would be doing so. She's so insistent that we can work this out; that she can make things better. She knows something's wrong with me before I know it myself.

Her voice cracks, as she reaches out to grasp my hand in her slim pale one. I stare at it, the utter perfection in something so small and functional. My own in scarred and has committed atrocities, and taken too many lives. I can feel blood run over it; warm, rich, dark and laden with guilt. I am sickened by myself.

'Alice.'

Saying her name gives me comfort. I love her too much to feel so helpless.

'I'm here, Jasper,' she whispers to me, and squeezes my hand tightly.

'I'm always be here.'

Alice.

I love her.

xXx

**Signing in as: Wraithlike  
**It's short, and to the point. Eh ... well, it doesn't have a point, but ... mnagh, more Emmett action straight from the Courtz-miester next time. But she's unfortunately sick (POOR U!!!) so you're stuck with sentinmental old Jasper. Never mind.

**Coming Soon: **BouncesLikeJaboc's good old retribution on our cheerful drunkards. And soon, perhaps ... *le gasp* WHO IS THAT BEAUTIFUL BRONZE-HAIRED BOY?


	3. Chapter 3

**Edward's Weird, But Who Cares?**

_**Emmett:**_

I assumed, in my tired old-age-vampire brain, that being drunk was like being in a deep, deep sleep. _Awesome. _

I took a swig and watched my eyesight turn blurry as I stared around the bar. I took another mouthful. Then I spat out the mouthful, horror-stricken.

Rosalie.

_Rose._

My beautiful, many-times wife.

Here, in the bar.

The same bar in which Jazz and me were. The same bar in which Jazz was continuously mumbling 'Alice', over and over to himself in between made-up verses of a Blondie song entitled 'Call Me'. He basically mumbled 'Colour me…. COLOUR DARRLIIING, I know who youuuuuu ARE… CALL ME! Any… any time….'. I had finished a wonderful rendition of YMCA to the tune of at least ten blonde fangirls screaming 'TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!'. But Rose was here now. And Rose was going to put an end to it all. I dived for cover as the screaming started.

'EMMETT CULLEN!'

I tried to be brave, cradling my precious bottle of vodka in my arms for comfort.

'EMMETT, I SAW YOU! COME ON OUT BABY, DON'T BE AFRAID!'

I crawled under the bar, knocking the tender off their feet in the process. 'Sorry.' I mumbled. He didn't reply. Possibly unconscious, then.

'EMMETT, I HAVE JASPER!'

I sighed, counted to three and stood up.

_Smack. _

Rose slapped me across the face.

'Ouch.' I said, for effect.

'Nice try, Cullen. Jasper's outside - shirtless, I might add - and you're going outside too. Wait till Carlisle hears about this.' Her blonde hair was pulled back off her face, accentuating her beauty. Accentuating… that's a word, right?

Rose's almost-black eyes flashed angrily. The 'sleep' was wearing off; my vodka-induced stupor deteriorating rapidly, bringing everything back into sharp vampire focus.

'Em, get home NOW. I'm warning you, you're going to be locked in a room alone tonight.'

'Rose…'

'No, Emmett. You may be my monkey man, but this is inexcusable.'

I thought about that for a second, absently unscrewing the cap on the bottle still cradled in my arms. Rosalie snatched it away.

'Rose! Come on, you want me to end up like Edward?'

'No! But this' she threw the bottle to the floor at her feet, smashing it, 'is NOT the answer. How could you allow Jasper into this place? What if he'd flipped out? HOW would you have explained that away?'

'Rose, this is a once off, I swear.' I was grovelling now; something I'd never admit to Jazz or Ed, no matter how much they could control my mind. Freaks.

'I don't care, Emmett. Carlisle and Esme have risked their lives and _our_ secret by moving back here to Forks. Do you seriously think they're gonna let you and Jazz ruin that before we've even graduated from high school again?'

I was gonna reply with something decent. A good, well practised 'I'm so sorry Rose please forgive me I'm your special monkey man' speech. But one of my fangirls strutted over, pushed past Rose and went to rest her hand on my arm.

'Who's the girl, Em?' the fangirl asked. I didn't even know her name, and even if I did it didn't matter. Rose mattered now. I saw the anger in her pretty little eyes, and saw her lips draw back in preparation for a feral growl that only a vampire could give.

'Um, my, uh, wife.' I answered quickly, removing the girl's hand and pushing her sideways. She wobbled on her high shoe-things she was wearing and tumbled over the bar. I stared for a few seconds, then turned back to Rosalie, who was in her typical fighting stance. It pretty much said 'I'm gonna rip yo' throat out, BETCH.'

'Let's go.' I suggested.

I jumped over a table that I suspected had become overturned when Jazz and I had started a conga line - at least I think we did, anyway - and took two long strides to the exit, Rose holding my arm in a vice-like grip. She wasn't letting go anytime soon. Man, she _always_ got like this when she as hungry. As I got outside into the cool, damp Forks air, I heard Jazz's dulcet tones teasing out a soulful rendition of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. Again. I geared up to join him but was silenced by Rosalie growling. I cleared my throat.

'So, um, where's Edward?'

'I don't care.' She retorted sharply. One of the many reasons I love her. Straight to the point, none of this girlie 'hide your feelings' crap. Whatever that is.

'How'd you know we were here?' I hazarded, knowing she was going to attempt to beat me senseless. Good luck, sweetheart. They don't call me 'Emmett the Bear' for nothing. Even if I'm not certain that I didn't invent that five hours ago when Jazz and I had arrived at the bar. Jeez, it was all so damn hazy.

'Alice. That's how I know. Alice. Are you stupid, Emmett? Did you seriously think Alice wouldn't see you two dancing like an _idiot_ to YMCA and not tell me?'

'You said seriously like twice in the last two little speeches you made.' I said, then giggled. A side-effect of the vodka. I hoped. Real men don't giggle. And I'm all man.

Rosalie stalked off back home, Alice and a giddy Jazz right behind her. Or should I say Alice behind her, Jazz being dragged along the ground behind Alice.

'Aw, Rose, come on!' I complained.

She ran faster. I sped up, my bear-like run not quite meeting pace with her lithe, graceful run, but coming close enough so that I could hear her swearing at me. I groaned. I was going to have a fun night tonight. Alice was all about 'forgive and forget'. But not my Rose. Again, a reason why I loved her: she liked to argue.

***

'Emmett, get in the car.' Rosalie said. I looked up from the TV and smiled at her, making sure my dimples showed through. Rose eventually cracked a smile. Dimples were always a winner. I swung myself up off the sofa and held my arms open for her. Rose willingly gave me a hug, folding her slender body against my huge frame. Ah, Rose. You may be feisty, but remember baby: _I always win. _

She pulled away after a few moments.

'Come on, Edward's waiting.' She sighed. I took her hand and we walked out to the car, sliding into the back seat. Edward had a Linkin Park CD on - Linkin Park of all things - and was quietly murmuring the tune to himself.

''Scars of Life', Ed. Trying to tell us something?' I joked. Rose and Jazz laughed. Alice stared straight ahead, and Edward exhaled heavily through his nose, turning up the music till he couldn't hear my jibes. So be it, man. Just cause you're lonely and bitter doesn't mean _we_ have to stop picking on you, no matter _what_ Esme says practically every night.

Edward spun the car into our regular parking spot, put the handbrake on and climbed out of the car. He ran a hand through his bronze hair and waited politely for Alice to get out too. He nodded at Jazz and me and ignored Rosalie. Alice desperately tried to strike up a conversation with him. He responded as little as possible. He was definitely too polite. The dude just needed to let it all out one day. Preferably on a mountain lion or something, though, and not me.

I still felt dizzy from last night. Vodka rocked. I stood up and flexed my neck, rolling my shoulders. .Not that I needed to, it just felt good. I never felt tired, never experienced pain. I just liked to put on a show of human mannerisms. I was intimidating, sure. But to be intimidating and non-human would be the final straw for some of the brain-dead humans at Forks High School. Mike Newton being the main candidate. The one person Edward never made a polite show of hiding his dislike for. I couldn't read minds like he could, but whatever Edward occasionally heard there obviously annoyed him. Unless it was that he didn't hear anything at all, and just thought he was stupid. I shrugged and draped an arm around Rosalie's shoulders, guiding her towards building four. Time for Gym. My personal torture.

***

We walked into the lunchroom amid a buzz of unusually excited talk. Or maybe it was just unusual to me, having usually ignored the way humans talk. Always excited, humans. Rose hadn't let me out of her sight, waiting for me between classes, holding onto me for dear life during them. I hadn't had a single chance to drink more vodka. I wanted to see how fun school would be if I was drunk again. But without the 'I need the bathroom' excuse, courtesy of my vampirism, I couldn't drink anything. Damn.

'Coming Emmett?' Rose asked. I wound my arm around her waist and she snuggled in close. She was wearing this white hat thing that really suited her, and a matching scarf thing. I suppressed a giggle. Who says guys aren't observant? We entered the back door, as was routine, and noticed the stares of a petite, pale, brown haired girl I didn't recognise. I didn't look at her for too long. Rose got jealous. I didn't understand it really, seeing as she was definitely the hottest girl in the room, or any room, really, but she had insecurities. Edward didn't agree with Rose on many things. Self-pity was his pet hate, but the dude was always pretending to be civil. Not today. His eyes were flat black, and he too seemed to notice the pale girl in the corner staring at her.

'…. But you're wasting your time.' I heard Jessica Stanley finish, glancing at Edward. Ah. I grinned at Ed, trying to catch his eye, but Pale Girl seemed to have beaten me to it. He was looking - no, glaring - glaring across the lunchroom at her, his eyes narrowed, as he appeared to be concentrating. Not good. I glanced back at the girl, but she looked down. Edward continued to stare at her then looked away, playing with the bagel in front of him. I didn't try asking him questions; with Edward, there _were _no answers.

Not five minutes later I got my answer, but not from Edward. We were just getting up to leave when I saw Pale Girl getting up on her side of the room, following Newton, Jessica and a girl I thought might be called Angela Weber out the door.

'This way Bella.' Newton said. Helpfully of course. Then the name clicked. _Bella_. Isabella Swan. Chief Swan's daughter. Come to think of it, I had heard her mentioned a few times in the past couple of days. She'd come from Phoenix or something. One of those places I could never go, simply because sunlight didn't do me any favours. I sparkled, like all both good and bad vampires did. I saw Edward get up too, and head off in the same direction. Man, that dude was _weird._

***


	4. Chapter 4

**Fight the Current**

**Jasper:**

Rosalie's nails are red. Constantly.

I don't understand why. Alice doesn't have red nails. I am led to believe that it is some kind of arcane female thing, roaring back to the times of the warriors of old displaying prowess in painting themselves. She has bottles lined up on the vanity table in her's and Emmett's room. Once, I stood in the doorway for three hours staring at them. They were arranged like mortal wine. By year, vibrancy, shade, thickness and quality. It fascinated me. Alice laughed, and painted hers blue for a joke. I laughed too. They are opposites, like Emmett and me. Chaos and calm. Darkness and light.

Her nails dig into my skin when she pulled me from the bar. They gleamed bloody in the fluorescent lights as she glared.

'How could you, Jasper?' she hissed at me. 'Have you no respect for human life still?

I couldn't answer. She stalked inside to claim Emmett from his fans. I turned to Alice, who was pale, as ever, an unfathomable look in her dark eyes. Roaslie's nails shone like blood. I could think of nothing else.

'Blood, Alice. Her nails … blood …' And I trailed off. Alice reached up to kiss me. I don't deserve her love, but she gives it all the same. She understands me, even when I don't.

'Total eclipse … of the … heart,' I sang quietly, as I held onto her hand, tightly in my own as I could.

She didn't ask me why I'd done it. Even if she had, I would have remained silent.

I don't know why I did it.

oOo

Rose's nails and the look in Alice's eyes (confusion. Love. A desire to understand) was almost all I could remember. I got home somehow. Alice. That's how. I don't know if it was the vodka (possible) or the self-hatred (probable) that left the night so hazy. Emmett was exuberant.

'That – was – _awesome!_' he exclaimed, as he punched me a high-five and settled down in front of the television with a sigh of contentment. For the thousandth time that day, I wished I could be as carefree as Emmett. I envied him.

I sighed to myself. If I was any more depressed, I might actually have the upper-hand with Edward. The boy exists to bring the rest of us down.

The next morning, Edward drove us to school. I hate that place. The warm, gurgling blood pumping in the mortal casing, everywhere. The cacophony of emotions, overwhelming, disconcerting. I loathed it. Chaos and calm.

I have seen many terrible things in my lifetime. More than many, and more than terrible. Edward truly believes us the eternal damned, himself more so than anyone else. He is alone in this great world of being, and he exists only for us. He is adamant outwardly that there is no place of rest for us fated to wander the earth forevermore. He truly believes himself to have sinned beyond all measure of redemption.

But ah, Edward, you are but a boy. Innocent, still.

Alice smiled at me as she dragged me through the doors. She is sunny. Bright. She likes school. She finds something new about the place every day. She revels in the humans around her. They interest her.

'Did you see the shoes Sandra Leon was wearing today?' she'd babble happily at home, already lugging the laptop over to me to show them to me.

'I must own a pair.'

The place fascinated her. Humans fascinated her. Alice, my dear Alice. So like a child in so many ways.

These halls held no horror for her. They were not a hell sent to try her.

But they were sent to try me. This was my retribution for sinning. This was hell on earth, sent to me since I could not go to it.

This life is a trial. Every second of every minute of every day … I am never free.

A slave to my thirst … to my conscience.

Eric Yorkie was excited by something. The aura around him was hectic. I winced; I could feel a headache coming on today, especially upon entering the halls, and the minds around me were all infected by the same train of excited thought.

_It's going to be a long day, Edward,_ I thought, and his lips twitched as he stood to my left.

oOo

I endured. Again. Like countless times before. Only a few more months left this time around, anyway. But it was hard.

I was thirsty. So, so thirsty. A girl moved as I sat with my family. Short hair. Blonde. Warm blooded. Sweet tasting.

It was difficult. Difficult to stop imagining, difficult to pause comptemplation for too long. Difficult … too difficult …

Edward kicked my chair. I sighed. Shame. Shame flared, and I pushed their sympathies away, again.

Pushed them away. Again.

oOo

It was worse later. A human slipped onto his knees, when I was crossing from the gym to English class. He laughed, with his friends. No big deal.

When he stood, he saw me. Jasper Hale, standing frozen, mid-step, all his muscles tensed, flames in his eyes. Frightening. He moved away swiftly. I stayed standing there, until Emmett came up behind me, and guided me back to the building. He isn't understanding. I can feel his irritation, but it is diluted through his friendship.

'Come on, Jazz,' he says to me, and I walk silently with him.

War rages in my head. I wanted blood to flow. I didn't want his wound to break the skin, the warm trickle to stain the air, the scent to render me insane.

It didn't. But I almost failed anyway.

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

So. Jasper has issues, but never fear, you won't have to deal with them for too long. He's overdue for a good kick in the pants, to be dispensed by the lovely Emmett "the bear" Cullen, **_court_**esty of ... *ahem* "Carley". Yes, folks, that's Carley. Everyone get that? Good. She's up next. AWAIT WITH BAITED BREATH!!

**Coming Soon: **BouncesLikeJaboc's chapter of awesomeness. And actually, I have no idea. So, looks like we're going this blond together! xxx


	5. Chapter 5

_**Emmett's newest instalment … Feach ar seo, lads, agus* review!**_

**Take A Bow**

**Emmett:**

Vampires don't worry. The usually don't need to. Esme is, I believe, the only exception to the worry rule. What vampires do a lot of the time, however, is kick their brothers' asses for being so damn _depressing_ all the time. That's what this vampire does, anyway.

Edward gets the easiest ass kicking. I only have to visualise myself throwing him several miles into the distance and he gets the message. Jazz? Jazz doesn't get it as easy. Sure, he can tell when I'm pissed with him. Dude's got freaky mind powers. He just ignores me, though. Goes on moping through life.

We were heading out to the Volvo, Jazz and I. I had my arm flung across his shoulders in an attempt to cheer him up. Really it was just an excuse to 'accidentally' wrap my forearm around his pale neck and squeeze for a little while. He didn't _need _to breathe, so it didn't do him any damage. It just made me feel better.

Rose was already leaning against the Volvo, tapping her bright red nails against the roof. I caught Jazz staring at her nails as her fingers tapped faster still, impatience growing on her face. I suddenly wanted to try gin. Or… that stuff pirates drink… rum? Yeah, rum. A nice, large bottle of rum. Rose glared at me. No, she was glaring past me. I turned quickly, dragging Jazz around - I still had my arm around his neck - and saw Edward coming. Saw that Jessica girl walk by with Mike Newton, flicking her hair suddenly as she saw Edward and giggling. Edward failed to notice. He walked around me with almost blinding speed. Or, as blinding as one vampire can be to another. He slid into the car without so much as a quiet 'hello' and started the car, revving up to leave even before we'd got in ourselves. Rose slid in, taking my hand gently and pulling me in beside her. Jazz had no choice but to come too. He slammed the door closed and I relaxed my grip on his neck in favour of Rose's hand. He'd put up with his strangling in silence. He was staring past me now - why were they all doing that? - At Rose's hand, enveloped in my own. Her red nails were in clear view and he was transfixed.

'Jazz.' I said. He looked at me.

'You on for round two tonight? In our wrestling match, I mean.' We'd decided to call it a 'wrestling match' so that Rose, Ed, Carlisle and Esme hadn't a clue as to what we were talking about. I'd been trying very hard to keep my vague recollections of the night before out of my mind, and instead fabricated ones about a wrestling match. I didn't want to risk Edward telling Carlisle or Esme.

'I don't think so, Emmett.' He resumed staring at Rose's nails. Lightweight.

I wasn't paying attention as Alice said 'Edward?'

My head snapped up as I heard Edward's breathing had increased. What the hell?

'What the hell happened to you?' I asked.

He threw the car into reverse and slid the car out of the space, then out of the car park.

_Ed._ I thought. We were speeding now, more than Ed usually did in his Volvo. He wanted to get rid of us quickly. That was obvious.

_Edward. _I was waiting for him to acknowledge me. He drove faster.

_Why are you driving like the Volturi are after your sorry ass? _

He drove faster still. I doubted the car went any faster. Perhaps _two_ bottles of rum. I looked at Rose, who was staring out the window. I pressed my thumb gently against the back of her hand and she turned to me, a frown on her face. It softened when I smiled.

I was vaguely aware of Alice speaking.

'You're leaving?' she asked.

What?

The car stopped suddenly. Rose slid out and Jazz and I followed. Alice remained in the car. I pretended to listen, knowing I'd just ask her later. Or that someone would tell me. I was trying to remember what Vodka tasted like. Jazz the Lightweight could keep his sorry ass at home. I was going out again. They liked us in that last club. Perhaps I'd return. An encore.

'…. Carlisle yourself.' Alice said.

Edward backed the car up and tore back down the drive, not looking back. Going to see Carlisle.

She said something else and walked back to us, her face beautifully contorted with a mixture of grief and worry. Wait. That last thought was almost poetic. How much would people pay to buy a book of vampire poetry? I was briefly glad that Edward was gone again. He didn't hear that random, weirdo thought.

Alice was still in pain. Mental pain, of course. Visions. Something to do with Edward and whatever he'd done. We ran into the house, Jazz and I fighting to sit on the sofa first. Rose punched me. I sat sprawled across the sofa, leaving Jazz standing stock-still. His depressed stare was back.

'Come on Alice.' I said.

Her face cleared, her black eyes focused on us again. Jazz took her hand.

'I saw Edward. Trying to kill Bella Swan.' She spoke slowly. Rose raised an eyebrow, then came to sit beside me. I could tell she didn't care.

Jazz looked worried. Or maybe his depressed stare had just intensified because he'd just thought of something else in his excuse for a life was worthless. Or maybe he was trying to teleport himself somewhere, like in that thing we watched a marathon of one night. Star Trek? Yeah. That.

'And?' I demanded. Alice was back with her tortured expression. If we weren't already vampires, I'd think they were practising for a part in a horror film. As the victims.

'He went to her house. Up to her room. Drank her dry then disposed of her body somewhere miles from here. I don't think he'll do it, though. He's gone now. I-' she stopped and her eyes became unfocused again.

'He's going to see Tanya.'

I whistled. Jazz slapped me a high five. I looked at him, but he'd resumed staring at the floor. I wanted to throw him out of the big glass wall at the back of the house and send him back up the Calawah River. Stupid, depressed, half-vegetarian _moron._

Alice skipped to the stairs, where she sat down and said 'Esme.' Esme came floating down the stairs. Alice explained quickly where Edward had gone.

Make that three bottles of rum and a nice bottle of vodka.

***

'EMMETT IS IIIIINNNN THE BUILDING!' I announced proudly, striding back into the karaoke bar Jazz and I had haunted the night before. I'd jumped out of Ed's bedroom window. Rose was oblivious, as she was painting her nails again, talking with Alice about something they were referring to as 'the _It_ bag'. I could only imagine what this was. I'd had to tear Jazz away from Rose and Alice. I needed to have a talk with Ed - whenever he came back - about Jazz. His obsession with Rose was just weird. Jazz still refused to come with me straight away. He said - and I quote - 'I have something nice planned.'

Jazz and the word 'nice' didn't really come together in the dictionary. At least I didn't think so.

I walked up to the bar and requested of the bar tender 'three vodkas and a nice, nice rum.' I even used my human voice. He glared at me. It took me several moments to recognise him as the man I'd knocked off his feet the night before in an effort to hide from Rose. Ah well. He slammed the drinks onto the bar and held his hand out. I stuffed a handful of notes into his hand.

'Keep the change.' I said, smiling, allowing my teeth to flash brightly at him. He blinked and took a wary step back. I laughed at him. He turned away. I took my drinks to a table a little away from the karaoke stage. Jazz still hadn't arrived. I downed the first vodka and relished in the clouded vision that accompanied it. Was it as good as last night? _Hell yes!_

I downed the second and third vodka and was just gearing up to pick out a song when the door to the bar banged open and Jazz ran in. He had on Ed's glasses again, and he'd borrowed some of Rose or Alice's make up, with which he'd drawn all along the outside of his eyes. He'd also used some of Rose's powder stuff she liked to buy. You know what I'm talking about. The stuff girls put on their eyelids to make them look darker or more colourful or whatever. He was also sporting a pirate hat and a rather interesting shirt with wide sleeves and wide ruffles at the end. Plus a brown frock coat. I tried not to laugh.

'JASPER!' A girl screamed. A girl that definitely wasn't Alice. She threw herself at him and I saw Jazz stiffen. His eyes were a gold colour, though, so he'd had the sense to drink before he came.

'Nice get up, sweetie.' She commented, examining his clothes. 'Very… Johnny Depp.' She continued.

Jazz's eyes met my confused stare. Who?

'Who?' Jazz asked. The girl stared at him, shocked.

'Pirates of the Caribbean?' she stared at him. 'Captain Jack Sparrow!' she put on a terrible British accent as she said.

'No.' said Jazz, looking confused. 'Who are _you_?' From his glazed look he'd obviously had a few beforehand.

'Starla!' Starla exclaimed. Oh, she was angry now. He'd put his foot in it. And his foot was now stuck. Only one thing for it: Em the Bear to the rescue.

'Jazz, Jazz. You were only kidding, right?' I stared at him meaningfully.

'Uh, yeah. Yeah.' He nodded slowly.

'Here we are Jazz. Have a vodka on me.' I clicked my fingers at the bartender and mouthed 'vodka'. The man scowled at me but slid one down the bar. I caught it, careful not to break the glass. I giggled. Jazz downed his in one, wiped the back of his hand over his mouth then started dancing.

'And weeeeee're… Walking on a treadmill! We're walking….' He mimed his interpretation of treadmill walking. Huh. A brain-dead form of human exercise. You'd think they'd have figured out by now that it doesn't _go_ anywhere. They just walk in the same spot for hours at a time. And for what? NOTHING.

***

'Karaoke time, Jazz?' I asked.

I like rum. Jazz did too. As I asked him he was draining his fifth keg. Yes, _keg. _

'You BETCHA!' he said. He stared at the empty tankard he'd been drinking out of. 'Why is the rum always gone?'

'See! Pirates of the Caribbean!' Starla said. He ignored her and stood up. He wobbled and fell over a barstool.

'Oh.' He said, giggling. 'That's why.' I laughed and stood up too, holding onto the bar for support. The wooden surface cracked under my hand.

'Oops.' I giggled again and danced over to the stage.

'RIGHT!' I roared. That got everyone's attention.

'What's on the song list tonight?' I slurred. The entire bar erupted into cheers. They loved us.

'It's a Muse tribute night!' Starla shouted from her corner of the bar.

Muse? Who the hell were they? Where was Edward when you needed him? Oh, yeah. Trying not to kill Chief Swan's only daughter. My bad.

The bar tender handed me the microphones and turned on the TV screens with the words on it.

'Just make your way through the list.' He suggested, shrugging. The music started. Fangirls screamed. Someone handed me a drink. I downed it.

'OUR TIME IS RUNNNNNNNING OUT! CAN'T PUSH IT UUUUUNDERGROUND! CAN'T STOP IT SCREAMING OUT!' I yelled. Jazz joined in the second verse.

'I WANTED FREEDOM, BOUND AND RESTRICTED! I TRIED TO GIVE YOU UUUUP, BUT I'M ADDICTED!' for that one Jazz pointed to his empty glass and tapped it meaningfully. It was instantly replaced with a full one, as was my own.

***

Three hours later, we were still singing and the drinks were still coming. Fangirls were on stage with us. Starla was dancing right beside Jazz, who's frilly blouse thing was open, his frock coat removed. I hadn't noticed the pirate boots beforehand. Now he only had one.

'Starlight' started up and the room erupted into screams. Again.

'This one,' Jazz slurred, 'Is for Starla. My biggest and best… bestest fangirl.'

'OF THE PEOPLE WHO CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE! STARLAAAAA, I WILL BE CHASING A STARLAAAA…' Jazz was on his own for this one. I raised my arms and swayed side to side. I was handed another drink. Two girls wandered up to me then. They introduced themselves as Missy and Brooke. Interesting.

'Ohmigod, Emmett. You're so cool!' Missy - or Brooke, I couldn't tell who was who - said in my ear. I suddenly realised I was shirtless again.

'Ohmigod, Em, you should totally sing _Take a Bow_ for us!'

So I did. Jazz joined in at some point, busy trying to restrain Starla from getting too close. Alice would see us at some point.

'Ohmigod, Emmett! You should, like, totally take a bow now!' Missy/Brooke giggled. 'You get it? You sang _Take a Bow_ and now you should totally take a bow!' Missy/Brooke giggled again. The pair of them fell onto the stage floor.

I stood up and went to the centre of the stage. _Jazz and Em's Empire_. I raised my hands in the air to get everyone's attention, then took a sweeping bow. Jazz fell over towards me, Starla hanging around his neck and bowed too. Starla dropped to the floor.

'OHMIGOD, EM!' Missy/Brooke cheered, trying to stand.

'Ohmigod, Em!' A voice mimicked behind Missy/Brooke.

Rose. Of course.

'H-Hey, Rose. Fancy a drink?' I said in a feeble attempt at humour. She snatched a glass out of my hand - it'd been refilled again - and downed it in one. A calm expression crossed her face.

'Jazz?' she called, still smiling at me.

'Hmm?' Jazz called back.

'Hand me that microphone, would you?' She asked. 'I feel a power ballad coming on.'

***

**Signing in as BounceLikeJaboc**

**A/N**: Sorry about the PotC references. I just thought 'What could Jazz possibly do now that would be classed as utterly insane?'… And that is what I came up with…. It helps that I know PotC 2 practically off by heart, but anyway…

Thanks to Muse, who kept me company throughout this typing session! ~ Carley xx

**Up Next**: Aoife and a possibly less depressed Jazz. I know Em was supposed to give him a kick up the ass, but I needed to see where I was going with him not going straight to the bar…. I have a lead up to it anyway. Aoife is globetrotting as we speak, so depending on the response I may add another short chapter for which she can kill me cause it means she has to write two on her return. Ah, well.

_*(From top of page): For all you non-Irish readers that means 'look at this, lads and review'. (I think you'll agree it sounds much better as Gaeilge. Nach e?) _


	6. Chapter 6

_Eoghan Quigg makes a cameo appearance in this one… I couldn't resist. It's Emmett again!_

**Introducing…**

**Emmett:**

I didn't know where we were. Haze, vodka, Muse, Rose turning up, Jazz as Captain Jack Sparrow, vodka… I looked down to see a bottle with a straw in the neck in my hands. _Where the hell do they keep coming from? _

Cab. That was what we were in. A cab. The driver was talking to Jazz and me. Rose was sitting on the roof. I could hear he singing 'Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HAWT like me?_'_ and dancing around in a potentially provocative manner.

Vodka. Jazz. Rose. Cab. Haze. Everything was one big _haze_.

'Emmett we're here.' Jazz said to me. Here where? Where was here but now and here was where I was…. More vodka. I drank again. The straw made funny slurping noises as I drained the bottle. Hahaha…

'Here.' Jazz said, wildly waving at the window. I saw a long line of people - mostly girls - and a club with fluorescent lights outside and a sign that said something. Bo… Bon… _Bondi_…

'Where's here?' I wanted to explain my theory on what here was, but the lights made me want to dance. Rose finished singing and jumped down, climbed through the window and pulled me out of the cab. I was wearing a hat. A hat, jeans and no shirt. There was suddenly a shirt in my hands and I put it on. I left it open. I liked my hat. Hahaha… I had it on sideways and it was awesome. The girls kept screaming. It sounded like… like… 'EOGHAN! EOGHAN! EOGHAN!'…. Who the hell was this Eoghan guy? Could he sing better than I could? Better than Jazz and I could sing _together_?

Rose looked at the girls for a moment. She was dressed similarly to most of them. Short skirt and high heels and a top thing that was really nice on her. She'd let her hair fall around her face and she'd used the black stuff Jazz had around his eyes herself. It looked better on Jazz.

'EMMETT IN DAAA HOUSE!' I yelled. The girls stopped screaming and looked at us. Then started screaming again. 'EOGHAN! EOGHAN!'

'Heya!' a girl said to me.

'Are you from Ireland?' I asked. She had a cute Irish accent.

'No feckin' shit, genius. You're _in_ bloody Ireland, aren't yeh?' she said.

'Jazz?' I said again.

'Hmm?' he was waltzing with Rose.

'Where are we?'

'Dublin. I think. _Jazz hands_!' he said, then started with his crazy-ass jazz hands. He added in jazz squares. Rose joined in after a minute or three.

Dublin.

_Dublin_.

'Go on yeh boys in GREEN!' I yelled in an attempt at an Irish accent. Spirit of the Irish and…. Whatever.

'EOGHAN! EOGHAN!' the girls kept screaming. The line was big. I wanted something else to drink.

'Rose?' I asked. I nodded at the doorman.

Rose smiled and walked up to him. She whispered something in his ear. He looked at her for a moment then nodded. Rose strutted her way back over to me.

'We're in.' she said.

'YEEAHH!' I yelled. I grabbed Jazz by the Jazz Hands and dragged him inside.

There were strobe lights. Lots of pretty strobe lights. And loud music. Really, really loud music. And a DJ.

_Awesome._

There was a dance floor too. And palm trees. Palm trees in pots. And Jazz and Rose. But no vodka.

'And it's all requests tonight!' the DJ yelled.

'Whoo!' I screamed and slapped Jazz and Rose a high five. Where was Edward now? In Alaska with Tanya? And he was missing this to go and sit by himself in a snowdrift somewhere while Tanya tried to get him to notice her? Ha!

Music played louder - Shakira, _Hips Don't Lie_? Why?

_Why not_?

I grabbed Rose and pulled her onto the dance floor.

***

The club filled up. We realised it was an under-18's event and that there was no alcohol. Ah, well. Rose had some form of drinkable stuff in her handbag. That was good enough for me.

'And tonight we're going to have EOGHAN QUIGG with us!' the DJ announced. The club erupted into screams. I'd only heard that kind of screaming once before. And that was for Jazz and me. Time to… _up the anti_.

'JAZZ!' I screamed into his ear. He was dancing in the centre of the dance floor, his pirate costume still on him. He'd taken his hat back from Starla.

'WHAT?' he yelled back.

'WHO'S EOGHAN?'

'THE GIRLS OVER THERE,' he pointed vaguely 'SAID THAT HE WAS ON THE…. THE XFACTOR AND THEY LOVE HIM.'

'OH. I BET _WE_ SING BETTER.'

'I DUNNO. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE PRETTY DAMN GOOD.'

'OH. OH WELL. TIME TO SHOW THEM WHAT WE CAN DO!' I screamed. There were girls dancing on a little platform at the back of the dance floor, under the speakers. I shoved them off and jumped up. Jazz followed suit

' AND THIS IS A SONG EOGHAN QUIGG WILL BE SINGING TONIGHT!' The DJ screamed.

_Does Your Mama Know? _Ohhh, yeah.

We danced. People danced with us. We commanded all attention. We spotted two girls in the fray, one with wildly curly hair and one with short bouncy hair. I listened as I sang, my and Jazz's voices almost out-singing the entire club. The two girls were singing in Irish. Cool.

'An bhfuil a fhios ag do mham?'

I tried that too. 'AN BHFUIL A FHIOS AG DO MHAM?' I screamed. The club erupted into cheers. Rose had a circle of guys dancing around her. I didn't mind. She'd drink their blood before she touched any of them with a barge pole.

I think.

'OKAY, EVERYONE! THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

'EOGHAN! EOGHAN!' the crowd responded.

'YEAHHH! EOGHAN!' Jazz yelled.

'WHAT HE SAID!' I shouted.

Rose just screamed.

'INTRODUCING… … EOGHAN QUIGG!'

Eventually Eoghan appeared. A young blonde boy from Derry with the voice of an angel. Tears would have poured down my face if I could actually cry. He sang. We screamed and shouted.

He talked to us. The crowd of screaming fangirls and us, the vampires, screamed back. He was good. He could hold the crowd's attention like Jazz and me.

'GO ON EOGHAN!' I screamed. The lights were pretty.

Eoghan sang again.

I had a plan forming slowly in the back of my mind.

A plan to get the crowd back on my side.

Eoghan left the building.

The dance floor changed colours. Jazz and I took to our personal stage.

'ARE YOU READY TOOOOOOOOO RUMBLE?' I yelled. My shirt was gone again.

'EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!' the lyrics demanded. The music was back. The club was rocking.

And I needed more vodka.

***

**A/N: **Just FYI, myself and a few friends saw Eoghan playing last night in a nightclub and he was pretty damn good. And I don't even like him that much (My friend worships him to some extent). As I was dancing like there was no tomorrow - which, sadly there was and I have a permanent ringing in my ears from both the loud music and the screaming. (Screaming that could rival the screams at the Twilight Premiere…) - I decided Em and Jazz might like to go there too. Most of those songs were played. The only thing that didn't really happen was Em, Jazz and Rose turning up in a taxi (I called it a cab here cause, you know, they're American…!)

**Up next: **It's definitely Aoife and Jazz's turn next time. Aoife's away and I just couldn't help myself. It was such a fun idea…. I dunno what she has planned, so we'll all have to wait and see! Other than that, please _review_ lads! Go raibh maith agat…. Tabhair dom do reviews!


	7. Chapter 7

**Pirates of the Carribbean is Not My Friend**

**Jasper:  
**

I feel … alive.

A sea breeze ripples over my chest. The sun is streaking the horizon, and for the first time in a long time I revel in it. It is bright. I am free.

At last.

I float through the air, marvelling in the ease of my movement twisting and flying like a spinning lea through an abyss of sea-spray and light.

I land, and I feel as I did when I first met Alice. there is a fateful cast in the air. Hope is almost tangible around me. Something is coming … something that will change me, my world forever.

But it is little that _I_ care.

I stare down at the open sea, and I want to be a part of it. I'm calm, in control, and I have never felt more at my ease. All I need to make the scene complete is my Alice. Alice …

I dive. Deep. Deep, deep down, but something feels familiar about the dark depths. I slip through the water with ease, and the fish pay me no heed. They don't see me as a threat, though what I am is burned into my vein and soul. This light, free creature, a threat? Never.

It should surprise me, but is doesn't. Though I am a predator, I am one who has never felt more satiated or controlled.

I glide into a lazy dance with the dolphins. They talk to me, and I need no words to understand them. They salute me, and I smile back before I surface, realising as I do why it feels so odd.

I have surfaced. At last.

Fir a moment, goodwill and ecstasy overcome me, and I drown in warm depths of happiness …

… until I look up, and see what I have done.

Oh, Jasper. Jasper Whitlock-Hale. You fool.

A caravel glides proudly on the horizon, sunlight gleaming off the shining wooded surface, the sails fluttering in the light breeze, rigged and ready for a good wind to set its course.

I stare at the crow's nest I leapt off. I stare at the deck, swabbed and clean. I stare at the black Jolly Rodger, coiling sinuously through the dawn's cool air, and silently mouth the words written across it in scrolling white letters.

_Dead Men Tell No Tales._

Worse. There is worse.

When you are me, there is always worse.

Gold paint spells out the words across the prow in an unfamiliar cursive.

_Captain Jasper Whitlock-Sparrow_

I sink below the waves again.

Jasper, Jasper, you silly child, the centuries have taught you nothing. Be glad that Alice, lovely lady Alice is far, far away.

oOo

When I resurface, I see Emmett standing on deck at the wheel, and through my despair, I feel an odd jealousy. It's _my_ name that is tattooed on the ship's side.

I plough through the after until I reach the ship and shimmy up a hanging rope, past port holes signalling rooms no doubt filled with things I will regret acquiring in due time, until I can walk across the deck. Emmett grins wolfishly at me and sighs contently, running a hand over the oiled wood of the wheel.

'Oh, man, Jazz,' he says, as I realise he has an earring that is gold and distinctly hoop-like pierced through his ear, and a tri-corner that may have been mine at some point of last night perched on his dark curls. His torso is bare, glimmering in the sun, and his denim cut-offs that might have been jeans at some point yesterday are torn the way he likes them. He looks happy.

'Jazz man, this is _awesome! _Jeez, for a guy who walks around like someone has shoved a poker up your ass, you sure know how to party!' he chuckled, jubilantly. I hazard a smile in return.

'Sure is, Em. But I guess it's "Captain" Jazz now, huh?'

Emmett looks blank for a moment, before his grin widens to such an extent I looks faintly violent and thoroughly inhuman.

'Holy crapola, Jazz! Wow, you must've been _really _under last night, huh?'

I shakily agree, one of the last things I remember is a cab …

'Well. You're wrong, Jazz. You aren't a captain,' he says, tossing the hat like a hoop onto my head, and gesturing out to sea where, to my intense horror, I can see the outline of at least four other ships drifting about, identical and pristine. Emmett looks unlawfully happy.

'You're a commodore, buddy. Nice fleet!'

oOo

It's like one of those Zone Reality shows, where things keep getting worse, until you're so bogged down in your own misfortune that you crumble into half-life.

Well, I've spent almost all of my time as a vampire existence as a half-man, and Ill be damned, if you'll excuse the pun if I spend any more. I have just woken from a life of stupor.

I straighten up as Rosalie approaches, still wearing her " I freaking love Quiggles!" t-shirt, stolen, no doubt from the concert I can vaguely remember. It strikes me that I am far taller than Emmett. This too gives me strength.

'Gentlemen,' I say, addressing Emmett to my right.

'Ladies,' I smirk at Rosalie.

'I say we turn this sinking ship around … proverbially, of course,' I say, allowing the smirk to creep all the way across my face. I stare at the ships – my ships – banking the horizon.

'I say we make these ships into something worthwhile. Something fun. Something … free.'

I flip the coin I found in my pocket in my fingers. It lands heads.

'There are no laws in international waters, you know, about licensing,' I smile, feeling light. Alive. Free.

I turn to the two, their smiles already spreading.

'I say we make my fleet the best damned karaoke bars on the seven seas. I say we go wild. Broadway style.'

'Jasper,' Emmett says, clasping my shoulder.

'You've never made more sense than you do right now.'

'I know,' I say, and it's true. I understand. Finally.

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

HEY HEY HEY, LADIES!! (and fellas ... come on, I know you're out there!) So, hello from everyone's favourite absentee. While I was gone, 'Carley' really was a busy little biker bunny. Slow social life, like. ;)

So, I felt the need to write this to catch up. A lot has happened since we last spoke, and our favourite vamps have globe-trotted admirably. I think we're going to have to inaugurate Jasper with some movie trivia soon. But be happy. His little depressed patch is lifting. Onwards!

**And a note to 'Carley's Mammy: **BLATENT PLUGGING OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S LITERARY GENIUS WILL BE REMOVED AND YON INTERNET NAME SHALL BE DISCREDITED.

On a completely unrelated note, EVERYONE WATCH THE WAKEWOOD!!! ;)

Tee hee. Thank you, Carley's Mammy for your kind words -attempts to bow- I hope this meets the standard of yon prodigious Carley. ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight Shades of Cabin Fever**

**Jasper:**

My life is spiralling downwards.

_Stupid Edward music, _I think to myself, as some random loser talk-sings about not getting tickets to The Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert on a C.D coming from Edward's room.

But I know Edward only listens to it to irritate Emmett, and to make a pale imitation of a joke at his own expense. Ever since the word 'emo' came into use, Emmett has latched onto it with animalistic intent and actively seeks occasions to label Edward with it, who has stopped protesting at this stage. Emmett still ignores Esme when she berates him over picking on Edward. He says nothing, but grins and waltzes with her, humming loudly over her objections, until she collapses into laughter, like everyone Emmett comes into contact with. He will never understand Edward, because depression in a foreign, vaguely understood concept to him. He is child-like in many, many ways, and his sunny nature will never have to deal with such a conflict of his heart. He will never understand why Edward plays the dark music that corresponds to the tempest in his mind.

Alice is playing it in his room. She misses him.

She misses him a lot. They're close … 'Freaks 'R' Us,' Alice laughs once, her teeth flashing with her eyes when she smiles, light-hearted and free. But there is darkness behind her words. I can hardly understand; their abilities are far beyond mine, not intrusive, and not so clear. But I can tell, from the sadness that surrounds both of them at times, that their "gifts" are more burden than anything else, and that there is not a lot they wouldn't trade, honestly, to be a "normal" vampire, for once, despite the contradiction that is in itself.

They would never admit so, but I can sense their lies. I keep silent. For them.

Rosalie is painting her nails again. Black, this time.

'In honour of the fan-girls,' she smiles significantly, when I question her. I regard her statement with a mixture of amusement and sadness.

oOo

When the ships got closer, I saw figures bursting from the cabins, to wave. I recognise some of them, in a bleary, hazy way, but they all know me. Across the swash of the ocean, I can still hear them clearly.

'Commodore Jasper! EM! ROSY!! JASPER SPARROW!! JAAAAAAZ!! EEEEMMMM!!'

The shouts disintegrate into cheers, as Rosalie's sure smile fades.

'Jazz,' she says, resting a hand on my shoulder, in comradeship that has only sprung up tonight.

'I know you'll hate me for this, but we have to be responsible about this,' she says, talking over Emmett who has all but been reduced to mush at the mention of 'responsibility'.

'If we dock in Port Angeles with a fleet of five huge boats –'

'Ships.'

'–ships, I think questions might be raised. And Carlisle might just figure out that our little "health trip" was more than that. And it might just raise uncomfortable questions all around. And I am _not _moving again. No way. So we have to get rid of these boats.'

_No …_

I cast wildly out for a solution. I know Rosalie is right. She is logical, and meticulous, and Emmett's polar opposite. She speaks sense, and I urge myself to listen.

The fan-girls wave wildly on all decks, and their cheers were like music, somehow.

_We love you, Cap'n Jazz!_

It was nice to hear; nice to feel their utter sincerity rolling off them in waves. It's nice to feel appreciated, but nicer, nicer by far to feel worthy of that appreciation. I think of Alice, and silently, I thank her. For not giving up on me. For constantly being in my thoughts. For being the heart I thought I had lost.

I smile, and nod at Rose. She's right. But I can still be a commodore one last time.

When I have swum to the other boats, Rosalie and Emmett cutting through the water behind me, the fan-girls scream their utter loyalty. None question our speed; and I somehow do not doubt that these twenty or so young females (Rosalie's fan-boys all got scared off by Emmett) know well enough that we are not mortals like them.

They don't care.

Starla stands to the fore, grinning at me. She doesn't know that I have Alice, and what she wishes can never come true. She doesn't know that my heart has never been anywhere but within Alice's. She doesn't realise that without Alice, there is nothing that I can fully enjoy.

But I can still make her happy. She's a nice girl.

She is undisputedly their leader, and I address her, when I address them all.

'Ladies,' I say, and watch with slight amusement as some wilt slightly at my words, 'it has been an honour to journey this far with you. Through the thick and thin of well on two days.'

I realise that most of them are beyond drunkenness, in the kind of hyper-aware intoxication, a step or so from insanity.

'But we have to go.'

Though they are many, their faces fall as one.

'But, Commodore Jazz–' Starla begins, before I hook the hat off my head and place it neatly on her bedraggled hair-style.

'That is your place now,' I say, and smile at them.

'Will I ever see you again?' she asks, wistfully, patting her hat with a black nail-polished hand, and I can't be certain.

'You might find us, if you like,' Emmett answers for me, though it's obvious to anyone but a _fool _that the girl has eyes for no-one else, 'around that karaoke bar, I shouldn't wonder,' he grins meaningfully.

I realise that all of our faithful fan-girls from Port Angeles have all dispersed in the intervening days, and everyone here but Starla are all the fan-girls we picked up at the Irish boy concert. Hence the strange accents, I suppose.

But Starla understands, and smiles.

'I know we'll be back … sometime,' I tell her, and I know she understands. She's a nice girl. I mean it, too. Alice would love these ships. We could sit in the crow's nest, where she can almost remember what the sun feels like, and I can tell her the story, properly, of what happened to me when I briefly went insane. She'll understand, at last, and at last, I'll be able to fully enjoy my return to life.

With Alice.

Because I really do love her.

oOo

We got home in record time … in time, in fact, thanks to a large time-difference, and some psychopathically fast running, to lunch in the cafeteria of Forks High. Long live the Spartans, and all that. Woot …

Emmett's chafing for freedom already. I can see it. Rosalie looks disapproving, and I can feel her doubt that accompanying us was a good idea after all. A brief spurt of insanity, she feels. Once. Once only.

Alice doesn't understand, but sees the change in me. It's subtle, especially around all these people, sweet-smelling in the rain … but I am better. She is glad.

Emmett grins at me meaningfully, and I smile back.

He wants to go again. Bigger. Better. Get the Cullen clan all on board, for the biggest blow-out vampire bash ever.

But he'll have to wait. Our karaoke bar is probably sailing somewhere on the Caribbean coast right now, and it'll be a while before we can claim it again …

But Edward's seat is still empty.

One member of the Cullen clan that may never be returning …

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

Well, hello there! Yes, it's been a while. Yes, it's rushed. And yes, before you ask me, thank the lord Jesus Christ, it's Carley's chapter next.

But I have an excuse. Mocks. That's it. All I need to say. And about four other fan fictions in the pipeworks. Oh, and I'm a struggling Irish actress, too ... need to find my goldin ticket to choco factory still ...

So. Hope you laaaike, my loves, and this meets everyone's standard. I think we might almost have !plot! now, so, STAY TUNED!! **AND REVIEW!! **Thanks to all the lovely reviewers, you guys are the best. Hugs to all.

**Agus aris, an nota beag lena mham 'Carley'.**

He he he. Ah, yes, the mightly Wig-Wood. By far the most violent of the Three Great Hairpiece Woods. Nd ur prity gud wit da txt tlk. If slightly incomprehendible. . . THANKS CARLEY'S MAMMY! And if your daughter attempts to write more than one chapter, kindly boot her up the behind for me ... ta ... xxx

Agus to Carley's random aunt in America, who also, apparently reads this ... I say naught but 'hello!' and God help you, reading this ... he he he!

WRAITHLIKE OUT!


	9. Chapter 9

_I couldn't resist. Go raibh maith agat, Ms. K. Our truest inspiration. _

**Ode to Edward**

_**Em:**_

I stared at the dull, dirty, grey-blue-white chequered tiles on the lunchroom floor: a pattern that went on forever. Here I was again. Thinking. Sober. Sober used to be such an ugly word. An ugly word to describe the state of an alcoholic abstaining from his or her vulgar, unsociable tendencies in relation to alcohol abuse. Now it was even uglier. It described, in two simple syllables, the harsh realities as one regained the ability to think in a logical fashion after a blissful night drinking their - man, what the hell was up with me? I sounded like a horror-movie - or, worse, a factual documentary - mash-up of Edward and Jasper.

Ugh.

I blinked. Highly unnecessary, but I had to remember to be human. Either that or I ran out, war cry on my lips, grabbed Rose and drank myself stupid then swam off to the Caribbean or something to find Starla and the girls. Not necessarily in that order.

I twitched involuntarily. What do you call them? Oh, yeah. _Withdrawals._

'You're thinking again.' Rose was talking to me. She flicked her hair behind her shoulder; her black nails flashing… black… ships... Vodka. 'And I'm sure you can totally understand why I might find that terrifying.' Rose finished.

'Yeah.' I laughed. Vodka. Freedom. Fans…

'Two hours, Em. Edward's not back, and Esme still doesn't know. Carlisle's still on night shift. ' Rose had her soothing voice on. She didn't use it much, but it totally did its job when she did. I was instantly pacified.

'I'm not coming, though. Count me out. Once off only. End of.' She finished. That was fine by me. I didn't like all the fanboy attention she'd attracted last night. Rose wasn't stupid enough to fall for a human, but what with Jazz's apparent obsession with her, I didn't want to take any chances. Besides, the length of her skirt in the nightclub was probably illegal. On the ship it was more of a belt than skirt in keeping with her whole 'weather-beaten-worn-in-pirate' look. I guessed. Or else she'd fought with a fangirl and lost her skirt in the fight. I hated to think what had become of the fangirl.

I sneaked a look at Alice. Why hadn't she seen our nighttime adventures? She had her eyes closed and her brow was furrowed.

Edward.

Ah.

She was Ed's kindred spirit of sorts. Not in a Jazz-and-Alice and Me-and-Rose kindred spirit way. That'd be weird and also it'd be a kinda incest type thing. When it came to brothers and sisters, Edward and Alice were as good as.

Two hours. Dos horas. Do they speak Spanish in the Caribbean? Alice might know. If she doesn't, I'll have to Google it.

***

_' I've become so numb, I can't feel you there…' _blasted from Edward's CD player. Linkin Park. Ugh.

What the hell is this crap?

I looked at Jazz, who'd run into the room as soon as the CD started.

'What is this crap?' I asked Jazz.

'S'music.' He slurred.

'Where is it?' He was drunk. I wanted to be in the place he was now. A happy place.

'Where's s'what?' He mumbled.

'Where's the vodka, you fool!' I roared. Ha. I sounded vaguely animalistic. I am the Bear. Ha.

'Oh. S'alllllll gone.' He sang, blinking happily. What's up with this boy? He's totally got a split personality disorder thing going on. Damn it, Carlisle, where are you when my knowledge of mental illnesses fails me?

I wanted to scream. Instead I roared angrily, a feral growl escaping my throat.

'JESUS JASPER! WHAT HAPPENED TO GOING ON A BENDER TOGETHER? HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST ALL MEMORIES OF THE LAST FEW DAYS OR HAVE YOU GOT SELECTIVE MEMORY?'

Emmett the Bear is in the building. Thank you, thank you. You're all far too kind. You can stop the applause. The show must go on, and all that Jazz.

_Jazz_. Unintended pun. Hahaha. I was verging on hysterical laughter and I hadn't had any spirits for… for a long time.

'But I have gin and Guinness!' he said, leaving the room and returning moments later with three cases of Guinness. I guessed he'd loaded several crates of Guinness onto his ship before we set sail from Ireland. The good old Emerald Isle.

'You think they'd work together?' I asked doubtfully.

'Who cares?' he had a bottle of Guinness in his hands, and he swung it up in an arc in the air, a wild, crazed-man expression on his face as he responded.

'Hello, Em.' Alice said. She bounced into the room, happy as usual. Rose was right behind her. Something wasn't right.

'Emmett!' Rose squealed.

Rose had found something to drink, too. Ah, Rose. Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. You hugely attractive liar.

Alice seemed to be fine. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Jazz's shoulders. He rested his head on hers.

'What's that music?' Alice asked.

'Linkin-bloody-Park.' I was irritated now. Why couldn't they all leave me and Jazz and our crates of Irish beer alone?

Don't get me wrong, or anything, I love girls … _the _girls, but Jazz and me … it's a brotherhood. Not a brother-and-sisterhood. When I want to get totally drunk off my head, it's Jazz and Emmett, friends forever. Like that episode of Scrubs …

'Oh. ' She retracted her arms and waltzed over to the CD player. The noise stopped instantly.

Silence.

Alice stood considering the rows and rows of CDs on Edward's extensive shelving unit. Her fingers brushed the covers of several before she pulled one out. She opened it and deftly placed it in the player. Then she left the room, dragging a giddy Rose behind her.

Jazz was trying to remove the bottle cap with his teeth. He broke three bottles before he could get it open. I took a bottle out of the crate and wrestled the stupid, tiny bottle cap off the top then took a swig. Relief like no other flooded my head.

The CD whirred around a little bit before starting. Hits of the 80's and 90's whined at us. I laughed loudly. I was no longer sober. It was the bomb. A totally awesome bomb.

_' I wanna dance with Harry Dean…' _Good old Debbie Harry.

'Hey, Jazz?' I asked.

'Yes, my good friend?' he asked. He was in a good mood again. No kick up the butt needed.

The song kept playing. And I, Emmett Cullen, was dancing.

***

'So, Jazz, it goes: robot arm left for two, robot arm right for two.' I demonstrated. Jazz copied me.

'Oh, oh, I know!' he sounded like an excited schoolgirl.

'What?'

'Shimmy shimmy CAN-CAN!' He said. That almost beat Jazz-hands. Almost, but not quite.

'No! Shimmy shimmy CAN-CAN, MOSH!!' I yelled. It was all for Edward, on his gracious or meek or whatever kinda return he made. It was all for Eddie. The missing Cullen seventh. The secret in Secret Seven. The magnificent in Magnificent Seven. The…. There actually weren't any more seven comparisons. But I had to admit; I missed the little depressed rain cloud. The depressed, emo Eddie.

'Make that Fallout Boy-concert-moshing.' I amended as Jazz jumped around with reckless abandon. I had no wish to be decapitated by a flailing, moshing jazz-handed Southerner.

Two hours later, after an endless loop of Debbie Harry and _I Want That Man, _I slurred Rose and Alice's names.

'Who's my betches?' I called.

'We are!' Rose giggled, dragging Alice by the hand. Alice was unfocused. _Vision time_. She was like a walking TV, or a psychic. Whichever had the telepathic tendencies.

'It's time,' she said, coming to, with a distinctly vampiric leer, and jump-styling with Jazz for a moment in brief celebration.

Eddie in da house … well, almost.

'Okay, ready girls?' I said, taking my shirt off. It was tradition after all, that I should be shirtless. I grabbed Ed's baseball cap off his chair thing and put it on my head at regulation jaunty angle.

'Yeah!' Rose giggled. This was ridiculous. Rose never giggled. I didn't really care, though. I just chugged another bottle of Guinness and pointed to the CD player. Jazz obligingly switched it on full volume and we turned around to face the wall.

'I WANNA DANCE WITH HARRY DEAN!' We sang, executing perfect, synchronised, Saturday- Night-Fever-pointing. One, two, three…

'AND THIS ONE'S FOR EDDIE!' I added. I spun around, eyes closed, and started into our awesome routine. Which couldn't be anything other than awesome. Apart from super-awesome. Which is pretty awesome, even by my standards.

'…. BLACK LIMOUSINE!' Jazz and I sang. I opened my eyes, intending to go for the whole cheeky wink, dimpled grin combo, when I caught sight of the scene that had unfolded in front of me.

Rose, standing on Edward's sofa, dancing rather close to Jazz, who was still doing our routine but was rather distracted by her dancing. She was wearing her belt-skirt and high heels. In all honesty, I couldn't blame him.

Alice, dancing away by herself, completely ignoring the rhythm of the Debbie Harry song and instead twirling in a slow waltz that might go better to one of Ed's depressing piano compositions.

I closed my eyes again and cleverly slapped Jazz upside the head while doing robot arm left for two.

'I WANT THAT MAN!' I pointed as I moshed. Jazz was out of control with his moshing beside me. I heard Alice gasp, then giggle. I opened my eyes for a second time. Edward stared back at us. He was standing stock still, car keys in hand, mouth open slightly. I was pointing straight at him. '…. I want that man…' Jazz was still dancing, his head lolling about as he mumbled and moshed. A frightening combination.

'EDWARD!' I called. Our performance was all for the emo dude. The one, the only, lucky number seventh heaven Cullen-boy …

Edward kept standing, just staring.

Jazz and I resumed dancing.

***

**A/N: **Hey, everyone,Carley's back! And as you can see, there are no pirate ships, or vampires dressed as pirates. All back to ordinary, drunken-vampire-mosh-pit normality. What else did you expect?!

Just a note to say I can't remember what happened in Midnight Sun - Re: when Edward returned home from Alaska after running away like a scared little girl with a nice car (I'm Team Edward, really, I'm just telling it like it is). Therefore I invented my own sort of entrance for him. As one does.

**Nota gearr eile**: This idea was cooked up in Ms. K's Irish class. She decided to play DEBBIE HARRY (Not bloody Madonna you blonde child, Aoife!) _I want that Man _in order for us to work out the adjectives in the song or some sort of weird, wonderful and obviously pointless exercise. So, go raibh maith agat, Ms. K. Is í an muinteoir is fearr liom, ach is fuath lion Gaeilge. Ni deanfaidh mé dearmad go deo 'clapsholas' … Nach trua é?!

**Up Next**: Why, whats that? Is it a bird? A plane? A dead girl?! Yes, and no, because it's AOIFE, lads! REVIEW, please! We 3 reviewers! xxxx


	10. Interlude

_And so, yes, apparently, vampire _can _get drunk ... but while our favourite double-act of Jazz and Em are painting the town red, the Cullen family is having problems, and feeling very confused ... _

**~Interlude~**

~Edward~

He could do this. He could totally do this.

He _would _not kill Bella Swan. No pitiful human girl was worth inferring his family's wrath (read: Rose's wrath) … especially recently.

Edward Cullen seized two handfuls of his bronze hair, and held his head tightly in his hands, crouching on the sofa in his room, rocking slightly with each spiral of dementia. He was going crazy.

His whole world was going crazy.

Bella's scent. Roses, blood, fair and florid sweet-scented … stale beer, and the intoxicating aroma of vodka that seemed to cling to Emmett these days, potent and strong, with the blood … blood … blood of the Swan girl, dripping and flowing into the Eye of the Tiger and the moshing … oh, the moshing … and the krumping of Debbie Harry feeding … biting … ripping and tearing through translucent skin, with the sweet nectar of her blood pooling all around, and those soulful brown eyes glassy, unseeing … Bella …

'_I wanna dance with Harry Dean …'_

'SHUT THAT CRAP OFF, JASPER!! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T A GUY HAVE A MOMENT OF INSANITY TO HIMSELF IN THIS HOUSE???'

Silence. As blissful and deep as the warm, chocolate, bloody glare of –

'_I've … become so numb … I can't feel you –'_

'AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!'

~Carlisle~

His office is ordered, neat. Quiet. It's like being the father of a grown-up family, intent on peaceful pursuits, with families of their own, and responsibilities, and ties. He is proud of them. His family have come along nicely. Holidaying together, for a little while, and Jasper so much better. A new life gleaming in his eyes, with him and Rose close as true brother and sister.

But Edward … Edward alone, as ever, with his music, thoughts and torments. Would God not smile on this, most painfully beloved of all his sons, and give him one to share his great love with? To give his life meaning again?

But they're so close now. His great, grown-up Cullen clan. The family he spent so long bringing, and binding and nurturing, but for such a reward. Peace, bliss, with love and culture, and refinement, and –

'Yo, Doc! You got any of those crazy books about shit?'

He knows Emmett well. He remembers the day be was reborn a vampire. Huge. Muscled. Ecstatic at being the strongest thing on the planet. Terrified of what he was.

He stands before the doctor, shirtless, wearing chains and a baseball cap, when there is quite obviously no occasion for a game, and from behind him, the doctor can hear seventies hits being played so loudly, he feels as if he should turn 'mortal father' and tell those damned kids to turn their modern music down.

'Do you mean encyclopedias, Emmett?' he asks, and his voice sounds weary.

'YEAH! That's it!' he yells, as he jumps off the walls in the doctor's office.

He hastens to hand him an index, and the bear-like vampire yells,

'GRACIAS, HERR CULLEN!'

before back-flipping from the office. The doctor stands, shaken for a moment, before shutting his door, and wondering what on God's great green earth has gotten into his paragon children.

He locks his door.

Then, just to be sure, he locks it again.

~Esme~

Scrub scrub scrub. Scrub scrub. Scrub. Always work to be done when you're a mother. That's how it goes, even when you're the mother to a family of vampires. It doesn't make a difference to her; she loves them as if she's raised them all from infants. Sometimes it seems like that to her.

Rose might be standoffish and picky, but Esme know her heart. She remembers well to days she held her hand, when she told her how she longed for a child of her own. Esme remember her heartache, and pain, and felt it like her own.

She remembers Jasper, when he came to them, with his dark eyes and darker mind. She remembers how foreign a concept love seemed to him, but she know that he rediscovered it in her home, with her family, as he is now.

Esme thinks of Edward, and her heart aches for him, her beautiful first son. If her own sweet baby boy had grown up, she prays he would have had such a beautiful soul as Edward. She prays he would have known happier thoughts.

Carlisle is in the kitchen, where she's rubbing the table down. Esme doesn't think she's ever used it, but oh well, dust collects.

'Hello, my darling,' she greets him. He's been in his office all day, and dusk is falling outside. It's a pretty view from the windows.

Carlisle sits down beside her, before he looks up at her, his gold eyes blazing. Esme tries not to notice, and continue scrubbing.

'Esme … would you run away with me?'

'You know I would. Why?'

He's nervous. And acting strangely. Run away? Run away from what? What horror has befallen them?

'It's not … Jasper didn't … oh, God, not Edward …'

'No, no. But … if I asked you … let's run now, Esme. Let's just start running, and not stop until the end of the world is in sight. Let's just … keep going.'

Oh, dear God, he's serious.

'Carlisle. What's wrong?'

His shoulders slump, defeated.

'It's the kids, Esme. I think …' He trails off. If her heart was still functioning, it would be hammering. Her children … what of them?

'I think …' His golden eyes are anguished, and she's holding his face in her hands, holding him together.

'I think they're drinking,' he whispers, tortured.

You can hardly forgive her hysterical laugher.

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

Bhuel, bhuel, bheul. He he he, to give you all a 'lil break from Jasper and his suicide (but NO LONGER!!) and Em and his blondeness, I give you ... THE FIRST INTERLUDE!! ... to be followed directly by chapter 11, so some of you aren't like, -in complaining tone- 'It's supposed to be about vampires getting drunk, nyah, nyah, nyah ...'

Yeah, well. Here's the interlude, and up next is Jazz and Em off on another whirl-wind big-city adventure ... to FORKS HIGH!! HAIL THE SPARTANS!! WOOT!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Bad Ideas of the Highest Order**

**Jazz:**

Real estate.

The words, in all truth, made little sense to me. _Real _– _estate. _Those belongings which are, thank you Encarta Dictionary: Physically existing; all of a persons property or overall situation.

Somehow, when you put the two together, they encompassed everything from the White House to a back-lot trailer, and from a Gothic castle with Baroque undertones to a fleet of caravels somewhere off the Caribbean cost.

Alice assured me it was "an investment for the future", and in layman's terms, I could see what she meant, but how has being in the possession of five large ships ever been a good thing, except during the Explorations?

I didn't know, but the coot attempting to teach me history was doing a damn fine job of trying to explain.

It was snowing, outside. Emmett, to my right was staring out of the window, blatantly paying no attention whatsoever to the class, despite Mrs. Regent's continual none-too-subtle reminders that our S.A.T's were coming, only a few months from now, and we had just better pay attention while we still could. His eyes scan the world outside, and I understand the look on his face to be wistful. There is a world outside these window, a world I long to be a part of, with renewed anxiety … I have seen so little of this world, in the dark night of my mind, and yet still I wait, biding my time, sitting in a class full of children, their scents mixed with a winter tang in the air, almost irresistible …

But I am new. Reborn. Free! … thirsty.

I slip Emmett a note to distract myself, but he ignores it. I suddenly notice how tensed he is, coiled, as if ready to spring, his eyes fixed on the frail woman keeping her class of eighteen students and two vampires under control. I desperately try to read his intentions from his aura, and send calming waves over him, but Emmett merely swears.

'Bite me, Jasper,' he murmurs, far below the level a human can hear at. I don't have time to question him further.

The teacher turns her back to write something on the black-board in her white chalk, and Emmett pounces.

In an instant, the bottle cap is twisted off, the bottle is to his lips, and he manages three neat gulps off the vodka before she turns, and the bottle is demurely at his feet again.

He turns halfway to grin at me, over her rambling talk of the French Revolution.

I am shocked. Horrified.

Jealous.

I scribble another note.

_Emmett, _

_Impatience much? Can't wait for the Cullen Residence to get boozed up? I can't drink here … I might flip out and whack someone. That chick sitting in front of you smells divine._

He reads it with a lazy flick of his eyes, before penning his own, the pen clenched in his fist, like an unruly tool he isn't sure how to work.

**Jaz-zay,**

**Mwa ha ha. This is the only class where Rose isn't here to repri – re – (rent) smack me for drinking. Live a little.**

**Oh, wait a minute –**

**I forgot. ;)**

Emmett. It's always a party with you around.

oOo

By lunchtime, I've relinquished all vows, and am … only a little drunk. Not so much that Bailey Whitmore, seven seats away, red-head, smells better than she should remotely smell. But drunk enough to feel that life is worth living. I love my people.

Edward is sitting beside me, smiling with a terrible forcedness.

_Chin up, Ed. I want that man …_

Singing Debbie Harry just makes his face pinch tighter, and he scoots away, slightly. He is on edge. Emmett is grinning, looking like a trailer for My Bloody Valentine before he pulls a chainsaw from his backpack and reduces the population of Forks High to a bloody pulp.

It's sick how thirsty that makes me feel …

We were play-acting, "fooling around" as they'd say. Hopefully, no one else would notice that the only possible way the Jasper Hale they knew would be acting like this was if he was drunk. Good thing none of the humans knew me that well.

Alice defuses the situation, makes us all look human with our little games of shaking hair over them. They don't know it's an epic battle between me and Emmett to see who can shimmy better, to aid the shimmy-shimmy can-can moshing contest we have planned for later.

We wait with Edward, though Emmett is twitching beside me in his eagerness for more alcohol. Thanks be to whoever invented this stuff.

'… ninety-three percent sure nothing bad will happen if he goes to class,' Alice says, and Edward orders us away imperiously. Yeah, so _Edward _can take the chance over killing some girl, but I have survived the shame and constant vigilance of my family for years, and still disappointed them, time and time again …

_SHIT! I NEVER DID MY HOMEWORK FOR ADVANCED ENGLISH LITERATURE!_

Alice grips my arm in the corridor.

'Jasper,' she says, and even with that steely tone, her words are music to me, 'don't even think about it.'

Sometimes it gets annoying to be married to a gal who can tell immediately when you're planning to massacre your advanced English literature class, in a moment of more-than-slight intoxication.

But it doesn't irritate me long. I smile at her, and she smiles back. I don't need to say anything, she knows exactly how I feel.

And that in itself makes me feel … happy.

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

HA HA!! ME AGAIN!! Well, don't worry, 'cuz GUESS WHAT?? Iiiiiiit's the Cour ... "Carl"-miester up next, so YAY!!

Hope you likey, PLEASE REVIEW, because we need four more. And yes, thanks you, Carley, this is your resident dead-girl of the mighty Wig-Wood talking to you (don't worry, Carley's Mammy ... I didn't write in Irish this time! ;) )

So. Hope you likey. ONWARDS TO CHAPTER 12!! (holy crap, this is getting so long! Go us!)


	12. Chapter 12

_'Tis I, the elusive Carley… so sorry, this is waaaaaay overdue. Enjoy and relish in the sheer craziness! IT'S EMMETT! _

**CSI: Forks**

Em:

'Ready Jazz?' I asked, masking tape in hand.

'READY!' he yelled enthusiastically and did a rendition of Shimmy Shimmy Can-Can™ to the tune of _I Want That Man -_ what else was he going to dance it to? - to prove it. Guinness was still flowing strong in the Cullen Residence, but I preferred vodka. Dude, I mean, vodka was my vice. It was just awesome.

Like me.

'You know what to do, Jazz, don't you?' I was playing concerned parent for some reason. Maybe vodka and Guinness don't mix as well as I thought they did…

'Mmmm-HMM!' He nodded in an almost violent manner. He threw himself onto the floor. Like a dead man. A dead man playing dead.

'You lie there, I take this tape stuff and make an outline of your body…' I twisted the tape around in my hands. I couldn't find the opening.

'Yeah and we tell Alice and Rose and Carlisle and Edward that I'm dead!' He said.

'Jazz.' I glared at the tape in my hands. Stupid tape. Where was the damn opening?

'What?' he whined. Actually _whined. _Dude's seriously been taking lessons from Edward.

'Jazzy, Jazzy, Jazzy. Jaz-zaay. Jazz-Hands. The Jazzter.' I was about to say 'Jay-z' but that sounded uncomfortably familiar. It reminded me of both Linkin Park and weird mash-up rap songs. It wasn't a nice memory.

'Em?' He folded his arms across his chest. Like whatshisname. Oh yeah. That wannabe vampire guy. From that place I read in Carlisle's crazy book on shit. Dri - Dra- … _Dracula. _

'You can't go anywhere. I have to stuff you in…' I flitted to the sofa and backflipped over the back, reaching down and pulling the object I wanted to show him from behind it '…THIS body bag.'

'I dunno, Em.' Jazz looked wary. Or about as wary as a guy can look when he's completely blind drunk.

'It'll be FUN!' I yelled. Jazz and me - me and the JazzMan - had just watched three series of CSI: Miami on Fox. Rose and Alice were sorting through all of our wardrobes and Edward…. Edward was doing what any vampire would do if they'd run to Alaska to escape a sweet-tasting human: he was watching the Swan-girl _sleep_.

Bo-ooring. Anything you can do I can do better, Swan. Sleeping is the only damn exception. The _only_. Damn. Exception.

Ah, who was I kidding? I liked Bella. She smelled _nice,_ it was true, but I wasn't going to turn loco-stalker so I could smell her at regular intervals throughout the day. That kinda behaviour was just plain weird.

_Seriously. _

'Ookay, Em. Oookay.'

He obligingly spread his arms and legs out on the ground at awkward angles and left his eyes open. They glazed over and he looked remarkably deader than usual. Deader. More dead?… Deader.

I twisted the tape faster in my hands. What the hell was the point in vampire-perfect (Which was perfecter than perfect) sight if it was useless when you wanted to use it? I stomped away to the kitchen - a convincing impression of an annoyed two year old - and grabbed a scissors. Damn it, Esme. How many times? I can't use small objects. They don't fit into my hands. What happened to industrial-sized kitchen implements?

I picked up a big knife and stabbed the roll of tape. Think you can outsmart _me, _do you, you stupid stupid roll of tape?

I stabbed it a couple more times, just to make sure. Unfortunately - for the tape - I was too strong and drunk to see what I was actually doing. The cardboard circle centre thing was kinda bent in half and most of the actual tape was on the floor.

But I'd outsmarted it.

_'WELL NO SIR! I DON'T WANNA BE THE BLAME, NOT ANY MORE!' _

I ran back out to Jazz. He was moshing like there was no tomorrow, making a strange gesture at the ceiling.

'Jazz? JAZZ!' I yelled.

_THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU LET YOUR HEART WIN! WOOOOAAAAAHHHH OH OHH OH!'_

Jazz was singing too. If you could call it that. A bottle of Guinness was held sideways in between his thumb and middle finger, his index and pinky finger bobbing up and down in the air. Guinness was flying everywhere - the boy was lucky it wasn't vodka. If ever there was reason for murdering your brother, spilling vodka would be it.

'JAZZ! WHAT-IS-THAT?'

'It's PARAMORE, Emmett! Em, it's Paramore!' Jazz had adopted a whiny voice that scarily reminded me of… of unicorns. And Candy Mountain. I needed to find a computer, ASAP. This whole loosing-your-memory-when-you-drink was really annoying.

'Wait… Paramore? Like… the band?'

'YEAH!' Jazz yelled.

'JAZZ!'

'WHAT?'

'WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HAND?'

'I DUNNO! HAYLEY WILLIAMS TOLD ME TO DO IT! I THINK SHE ASKED 'I WANNA SEE SOME HORNS, CHICAGO!''

'BUT WE'RE IN FORKS! AND YOU'RE DEAD, JAZZ!'

'Oh. Oh yeah.' Jazz twirled around the room doing some crazy arm-wobbling thing that made him look like a half-crazed octopus. Except he only had two arms.

Jazz lay down on the floor again and I produced my defeated masking tape.

'Lie still.' I said. Paramore continued singing behind me.

How cool would I look with a guitar? Emmett the Rocker-Bear­­­­­. Totally awesome.

'_I got a lot to say to you, I got a lot to say, I noticed your eyes are always glued to me you're keeping them here and it makes no sense at all….'_

Jazz continued to sing to himself, shimmying on the floor.

'Technically dead people don't sing.'

'Dead people don't drink vodka either but we're doing A-OKAY!' he said, and picked up a bottle of vodka and cradled it in his arms. I knelt down beside him and began outlining his body with the tape.

'Why-' I started. I wanted that bottle in his arms.

'It's how I'd prefer to die, Em.'

Okay.

Jazz couldn't lie still. He was miming a guitar solo using the vodka as the stringy thing part. The bit you hold. I finally finished after I sat on his arms. Jazz continued to bobble his head around to the music.

'Aaannnddd…. There!' I stood up, pulling Jazz with me. We side-stepped and hand-jived to the other side of the room - I was following Jazz's lead - and surveyed our Jazz outline.

We stared.

Jazz tilted his head to the side.

I stared some more.

'It…'

'What?'

'It looks like the Blob Man.'

'Yea- who?' Jazzy had lost his little mind.

He frowned. 'When we were at that concert… or maybe it was on the ship… somebody said their pirate head-scarf thing made them look like that pink and yellow spotty thing… The Blob Man?'

' I haven't a clue who you're talking about. So let us away to GOOGLE!' I leaped up and grabbed Jazz's arm. He was doing jazz-hands really slowly to _Decoy. _I improvised with a little Saturday Night Fever dancing.

I jumped and landed on the chair in front of Carlisle's laptop. He wouldn't mind…. It's not as if anything important or incriminating was on it. This was _Carlisle_ I was talking about.

'WARNING. YOU ARE ABOUT TO DELETE THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE SYSTEM'S HARDRIVE. PRESS ESCAPE TO CANCEL OR ENTER TO CONFIRM.' I read it out slowly.

'Escape'… 'Escape'… I lifted up the keyboard. No escape key. Sure, we had an 'Enter' key and two 'Ctrl' keys and for some reason a 'Num Lock' key. But all I could find was an 'Esc.'

'Oh well.'

I pressed 'Enter'. Files flashed up on the screen. 'CARLISLE FAMILY ' 'FAMILY TREE ' flew to the delete bin along with 'UNDISCOVERED AND UNACKNOWLEDGED FORMULAE by C.C. DOC'.

1300-present day? That might have taken him a while… ah, who cares. He's a vampire with thousands of years on his hands. He might thank me for giving him something to do.

'Right. G-O-O-G-L-E.' I stabbed the word out on the keyboard.

Jazz swayed side to side on the chair beside me.

'Right Jazz. What're we doing?'

'Try…. The Blobman.'

I typed obligingly. T-H-E-B-L-O-B-M-A-N.

Stick figures and non-descript blob creatures - some of which looked scarily like the last art project I handed in - appeared on the screen.

'No… try… Mr. Blobby.'

M-R-B-L-O-B-B-Y.

Jazz and I screamed in unison. I slammed the laptop closed and made a well-aimed throw out the window. The laptop flew and I heard a _splash _as it landed in the river. Great shot, Em.

'It's _hideous!' _ I yelled.

'_Why?… Why?… Why?… Why?… Why?…_' Jazz whispered. I let him question the horrific thing we'd just seen for a minute before I smacked him upside the head.

'Our blob looks nothing like that.' I said in an attempt to soothe him. And soothe myself. If I had a functioning heart it'd be racing.

***

'Right, Jazz. Lie on the floor behind the couch. Quick! Rose is coming!' Ten minutes later Jazz was calm enough to continue faking his own death.

Jazz obliged, but curled into a foetal position and rocked back and forwards once out of sight. Ah, Jazz.

Rose danced in, stepping on Jazz's body outline without seeing it and running to me.

'You won't believe what's happened!' we yelled together.

'You first.' I said. My Rose didn't do patient.

'I bought a casino!' She said and danced around the room. 'Hey, what's this music? I kinda like it!' she said.

'Paramore. And, uh, Rose… wait, a casino?' I liked casinos. You could drink there and nobody would complain too much if you got up and

'Yes! I thought it'd be nice to do something together… Forks is such a bore, and Edward is off playing stalker to his little human lap-dog…'

'It's Bella, Rose.'

'Whatever.' She cracked open a bottle of the good stuff - vodka, that is.

'So, Em. What did you want to say?'

'Oh. That. Oh! Rose, Jazz is dead.'

'Huh?'

'He's dead, Rose.'

'He's been dead for a long time, Em. We _all _have.' She stared at me before she resumed dancing.

'No, I mean, look!' I towed her over to stand beside the Jazzline on the floor.

'Nice, Em.' She raised an eyebrow. Somebody - and I had a pretty good idea who - had stuck a face on the Jazzline so it looked more comic than tragic.

'Jazz stuck the face o- I mean, Jazz would have wanted to go like this. Always in for the last laugh.' I bowed my head slightly. I thought I looked pretty damn innocent.

'Jasper wouldn't know a laugh if it kicked him up the ass, Emmett.'

'Uhh…' I said. I heard a little strangled noise coming from behind the sofa.

'Look, Rose, I borrowed some stuff from Carlisle's office - gloves and stuff. Why don't we investigate? Dibs on being Horatio!'

'Yeah, okay. I want Carlisle's laptop though.' She smiled.

'Ah.' I was about to fabricate a convincing lie - something along the lines of: 'It's Carlisle's laptop I don't think we should touch his stuff and besides Jazz wanted to be buried with it we have to respect his wishes.' - but just then Edward came running in.

'Emmett. Rose.' He said.

'What?'

'Bella's coming over tomorrow.'

'WHAT?' I yelled.

'WHAT?' Jazz's voice floated eerily from behind the sofa.

'Why? She's human, Edward! What happens if Jazz tries to kill her? Oh, no, wait, Jasper's _dead._'

'Of course Jasper's dead. Rosalie, we've all been dead for -' Edward looked suitably confused. Serves him right, really, for ruining our little game.

Edward sat down on the sofa. Jazz jumped up behind him. I glared at him and he stiffened his limbs so he looked a bit more zombie-like.

'Jasper.' Edward said. He wasn't surpri- Oh, yeah. He's a freak. I'd forgotten.

'Edward, what the hell were you thinking?' I demanded.

'I was thinking I'd like her to meet you all. And I'm only back to change my clothes; I'm leaving again in a bit. What's that tape on the floor? Esme won't like it. And is that Carlisle's medical kit?' Edward asked.

'No… it's nothing… it's-'

'Edward, we bought a casino!' Rose yelled.

Thanks, Rose.

***

**A/N: **Well, hi everybody! It's MEEE! Carley! I'm back in the land of the living… or the not-snowed-under-by-mocks-study… granted, I still have a week left of mocks but I couldn't hold it off any longer… Some things are just more important in life. Like Fanfiction!

Well, I think it was a too subtle hint - considering I'd forgotten it was a hint - but I the Paramore song I'd picked wasn't a coincidence. That's What You Get: '_No sir, I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore'_… that was cause I needed to get this chapter written and it was my fault we didn't get many reviews in the past few weeks. Now it'll be Aoife's fault… hahahaha! (I'm sorry, Aoifz, that's actually kinda mean… You know I don't actually mean it!)

**Up Next:** Smell that blood… It's Bella! (And not that tissue you found up your sleeve, Aoife… I shudder to think what that was about…) And of course, the one, the only… The Deirdre Broganator! Haha… I mean Aoife!

(Google the WakeWood… you know you want to…)


	13. Chapter 13

**Insignifigant Child**

**Jazz:  
**

_Georgie Porgie pudding and pie._

_Kissed the girls and made them cry._

_But when the boys came out to play …_

'GEORGIE PORGIE RAN AWAY!'

You know, they've been singing that since my time. And that was a while ago. I don't think it's struck anyone yet, that after Carlisle, I'm the oldest vampire in this family. But they even had nursery rhymes in his time. In our times, they were all very moral about being good and whatnot. Patience is a virtue, and all that …

But today, good old Georgie Porgie could be taken as such attempted rape, or something. The world of today is odd. Often, in my mind I still wander down the softly lit avenues of so many years –

'Jesus CHRIST, Jasper! Hurry UP!'

'GEORGIE PORGIE PUDDING AND –'

'I'll hurry up when you can keep your wife under control!'

'MNAAAAAGHHH!!!'

Emmett launches himself at me, but being thoroughly inebriated, he misses, and just rolls around the floor. Rose thinks this is all good fun, and leaps screaming to tap dance on his torso and chest. I sigh, clutching something cold that I had stolen from the new refrigerator to my head. I don't like sobriety. It's not fun.

But, I was taking one for the team. One massive headache, that was. I cast a longing glance at the vodka bottles Emmett had tied together and was now wearing as a sash. One sip wouldn't hurt …

No! Focus. Fo-cus.

Emmett crawled to my side, and blinks puppy-dog-like up at me.

'Do you think it'll work?' he whispers, and leans on me, less in the way of comradely, and more in the way of I'm-so-far-gone-I-can't-even-see.

I flex my fingers and survey my handiwork, pressing the cold thing to my head again as something pounded there. It seemed unlikely that I actually had a head-ache … there was no blood to pump around my head. It was probably a mental thing …

But if I did say so myself, I had done an awesome job. Carlisle's new laptop was just like his old one, except with the racing stripes down the side that Emmett had carefully layered on. It was shiny, small, and I had retyped documents out, with as much accuracy as could be expecting. All I had to go on were the titles Emmett had read as they deleted. But they were, as Emmett said,

'Awesome.'

FAMILY TREE

**The Cullen family tree is big. And tall. And tree like. There's Carlisle (he/I'm the daddy) and Esme. She's so pretty. Yay. Esme. She's the mommy.**

**Then there's Eddie/Edward/Emo who's my first oldest (eldest?) son. He was born (reborn) in 1918. (??) In Chicago. In a hospital. His mommy was called something or other.**

**Then there was Rosy. Rosalie Hale. She was pretty and blonde and supposed to marry a dude, then became a vamp and killed him instead.**

**Em was next. Rose didn't have the guts to change him her self cuz she thought she'd rip him throat off if she tried, so she made Carlisle/me do it again.**

**Then, best of all, Alice and Jasper came. Alice is pretty, and can tell the future. She's English, originally, but doesn't have an accent. She's really pretty. And Jasper is the best of the bunch. And the handsomest. He's from Texas, and was a solider. But now he lives in Forks with pretty Alice, and is the best.**

**The END.**

I think it was pretty good. But I was tired, and sick of sobriety by this point. I tried to swipe the vodka from Rose, but couldn't. She had a death grip on it. Alice flew in like a hurricane into the room, and started hissing.

'Jasper!' she hissed, which was nice. She says my name nice …

… but then she slapped me a few times and it wasn't so nice. Not that it hurt, it was just … unpleasant. Like lots of other things in life …

'Bella Swan will be here in five minutes, Jasper! And you like a cave-man! I WILL NOT HAVE MY HUSBAND LOOKING LIKE A HOBO!'

And then she fastens her little hands around my upper arm. The warm, mushy feeling I always get when she touches me didn't have time to properly set in before I was half-way up the stairs, being dragged to a wardrobe.

But I had bigger problems. I was unfortunately terribly, horribly sober by this point, and aware of a worse fact – hungry, too. Bella was mortal, ergo, Bella would smell really, really good. And apparently Edward thought a lot of the girl. I didn't want to rip her throat out. It would hurt him. Edward had enough (fictional) problems as it was.

'Alice,' I whisper, as she whirls like a tornado through my wardrobe. It was filled with things she had bought, but she knew me well. Dark colours, sandy shades of taupe, boots and jackets.

'Yes, Jasper?'

She sounds terse, but it's just Alice panicking. I can feel her panic as clearly as my own.

'What if I hurt her?'

My words are quiet – I don't want to embrace the thought too fully. But of course, she hears. Her pale forehead furrows, and she desperately searches the future.

She opens her eyes almost dazedly.

'Three minutes, twenty-two seconds. You can't hurt her, Jasper. I can't see clearly; her coming changes too many things, but she will change his life. Our life – as far as my failing foresight sees, the life of every vampire. But it's strange, and cloudy – she's dangerous. To us all, she's going to test us. But Edward – he … he loves her. He really does.'

She looks agonised, and I forget the little nudge in my mind that is craving liquor as I try to comfort her. My arms are enough to make her feel safe, even if the safety is imaginary.

'He loves her. The idiot worships her. But she's so dangerous … why? Why is being so _stupid_? He's going to ruin everyone's lives …'

If Alice was mortal, she would be sobbing. With her almost-tears comes a terrible realisation, made more terrible by the fact that it comes calmly to present itself to me.

'I'm going to kill her. Aren't I, Alice?'

'I don't know. I just don't know, okay?'

Dear God, I have accepted this as hell. Why are you making her suffer too? Why can't you just leave her alone?

'Two minutes, eighteen seconds,' she sniffs, and points silently to my clothes. I change hurriedly, as she sits and blunders through the mists of the future.

'Okay. There's something odd going to happen – SHIT!! EDWARD, STALL! STALL!' she screams, and is dragging me down the stairs again. Her whole aura is changed again, from despair, cool and cloying to panic, hot, pulsing and terrible.

'EMMETT CULLEN!' she screams, which is completely unnecessary, considering our entire family's stellar hearing. I think she did it for dramatic effect.

Emmett appeared at the door of the sitting room, looking slightly lost, the vodka close to his heart. His useless heart.

'Bella Swan will be here in thirty seconds. You are drunk. So is Rose. WE NEED TO HIDE YOU!'

She was screaming again.

'But Ed – mind reading –'

I knew she was going to cut me off, so I didn't bother trying to form the full sentence.

'Too busy concentrating on not killing Swan. Rose. Get up. _Now._'

She frowned again.

'Twenty-three seconds.'

'NOOOOOOO!' Rose screeched, and I wondered if the Swan kid would hear her. Hmm. Edward Swan. Now _there's _an idea. Eddie Swan. Ed. Good old Ed.

God, I was starting to think like Emmett.

'I'm celebrating,' Rose pouted, and began jazz-squaring.

'I bought a casiiiiiiino!'

Emmett grinned indulgently, and began jazz-squaring next to her. I resisted the urge to join them with one look at Alice.

'Eighteen seconds,' she screamed in a whisper.

'Jasper! Help!'

In a flash, I was no longer Jasper Hale, vampire of the 21st century. I was Captain Jasper Whitlock, fighting in the civil war, and organising troops.

'Emmett Cullen!' I barked, and he snapped up, looking surprised by his reaction. I glowed inside.

_Jazz, you still got it._

'Get your ass in gear and drag that wife of yours somewhere where you can't be seen. Pronto! We are going to be civilised if it kills us in front of the human. Kills us more, I mean. YOU – STAIRS – NOW!'

Emmett felt compelled to follow my orders. And Rose felt sleepy. It was hard to keep my concentration up, especially with Alice groaning, 'They're almost at the door,' beside me, but I managed.

'We can't ruin this for Edward! He's our man!' I cried, as Emmett finally took me seriously and dragged a giggling Rose up the stairs. Alice gasped, and whispered, 'They're at the door!' as for the third time today, I was dragged along the stairs by her. Carlisle and Esme stared curiously at us, as Alice hissed, 'Rose and Em aren't home, 'kay?' before pulling us out of sight into the nearest room as the front door opened.

It was Edwards's room. Emmett looked around guiltily from where he stood in the middle of the room, holding Rose three inches off the floor in an attempt to still her feet, with a hand clamped over her mouth the still her squeals.

Well, it's not like she needs to breathe, or anything.

My heart would be hammering if it was functioning. I can hear Carlisle and Esme's gentle welcoming of the mortal, and Alice straightens her clothes and hair beside me, before turning on a shiny smile even I can hardly see through, and dancing forth to greet the girl, as Edward asks, 'Where are Alice and Jasper?' casually. I slope behind her, all too conscious of the noise.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

It's a heart-beat. And it's worse here without others of her kind. Like the ticking of a clock, urging me to fail.

I hang back, and concentrate on not diving for her throat. Edward is glaring at me; I can feel it. I catch his eye, as my thoughts scream, _don't worry. I'm not coming any closer. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best, okay?_

He nods infinitesimally, raising an eyebrow, and I drift a little away. She's a pretty girl, pale, dark haired and eyed. Smells appetizing, but then again, they all do. Alice chatters cheerfully, and I realise I should speak.

'Hello, Bella,' I managed, and try to soothe the panic latched onto her. She relaxes at once, and compliments our home. It's funny to think of all the fuss this small, mortal child has caused in our home, and, according to Alice, how much more she will cause. She seems so nice. So – average.

Well, all that hassle, and she's already taken by the grand piano. I can hear Rose struggling and Em grizzling from down her, but, after sharing an alarmed glance with Carlisle, it's obvious _she _can't.

We drift away to give them privacy, but I can hear Edward spinning smooth lies about Rosalie and Emmett's whereabouts. Even I get a mention – the murderous one, who can't control his own thirst. Alice smiles sweetly at me, and pulls me away to our room.

'I have a present,' she whispers to me, and when she gives it to me, I burst into laughter.

A bottle of vodka. Gift-wrapped. With a bow on it.

Alice, my darling. Where would I be without you?

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

Well, it's here at last. A little rushed, and long! Much longer than before, but I wanted it even longer! I had to stop, though. Thought I might be attacked by readers in the middle of the night yelling, "TOO MUCH!! TOOOOO MUCH!!"

Ye-eah. A little insane. Anyway, that's the mocks for you. AND THEY'RE OVER!! AT LAST!! I'm pretty sure I only failed maths. Possibly Science. But then again, my brother is a physicist. One is enough in the family.

So. Next up, possibly Em. Possibly Jazz. And ... possibly ... OUR SUPER ULTRA AMAZING JOINED CHAPTER!

But I have a present for you all. On the homepage is the link to a video for the FF by yours truly. Give it a look, and comment, if you like! I'd love to hear what you have to say. But now, I'm tired, and need to call ShiverySox, so ... away!! **AND REVIEW!! **xxx


	14. Chapter 14

**Terror of the Night**

Tense.

He couldn't help it, even though in all truth, he must be floating miles above the ground. He was buoyant; light. He had never felt like this before.

_It's love, _the voice in his head, that was optimistic and growing stronger by the minute chirped up, and he smiled.

Love. How beautiful. How completely, gloriously, upliftingly -

_Eeeeeeeeeeeeddieeeeeeeeeeeeeee …_

He stiffened, but didn't falter in his pace. His mind turned wary, the whisper of thought trailing unsettlingly through his mind.

Bella was unaware on his shoulders. Blissfully, gloriously, upliftingly –

_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddiiiieeeeeeee …_

The muscles bunched infinitesimally tighter in his shoulder.

_For the sake of Jesus Superstar Christ, Jasper, stop it._

It was a pity Jasper couldn't read his mind. He would have some kind of fun whispering odd little –

_Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo … I'm hungry. He he._

Emmett? Why was Emmett being so psychotic? Normally he was just one for open violence and attack. Jasper was the one for preamble. Man, if Emmett was being properly true to form, he would have launched himself from the treetops already – _Edward glanced up without alerting Bella _– but would probably have crushed his fragile mortal love to death. That would have been ironically Emmett-ish too.

But then again, the whole world was upside down, he thought. Completely and utterly as head over heels as he was.

The world was changed. The scent of the earth was different. The cast in the air. Everything … changed.

For the better? Perhaps. But changed forever. Edward knew enough to know that.

Wait, what was that? Only moments were passing, but he could hear something … it sounded like … opera. Operetta? Puccini … no, it was Traviatta. A favourite of Esme's, but there was also shrieking. Anger … Rock music? No, Traviatta again.

Edward shuddered too delicately for Bella to be aware.

Things were changed. Certainly. Undoubtedly.

For the better?

_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeddddieeeeeeeeee …_

A shiver of thought ... _Alice _... ran through his mind. Laughter, a flash of the future, the glistening, bloodthirsty future -

She stopped with an effort, but was wrenched forward again. Smiling faces, tortured screaming, blood, terror, green eyes, wolf ...

_Don't go there, Eddie, _she thought with forced chirpiness. _That's not going to be for a while._

Trees. Light dark light dark light dark -

Ah. The field. Of dreams.

Hark?

Is that Muse?

xXx

**Signing in as : Wraithlike**

Oh, my. Oh my oh my oh my. Well. We - that is, Carly and me - have ... little or no excuse. But damn it, if she wasn't at the freaking Coronas concert tonight it would be her begging for your forgiveness. So. Here. Mercy for a few days. The next chapter and a rambling explanation will be out then. I promise. Seriously. This is just a little run up to it ... hope you ... enjoyed?

xxx mwa!


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